- Jimmy Kimmel’s Reinstatement Gives Hope to Mediocre White Male Comedians Everywhere
- Alarming New Report Suggests that Silk Sonic’s Music Insufficient to Curb Falling Birth Rates
- Pierce County Candidate John McCarthy Could Not Have Picked Worse Last Name to Run For Office
- National Guard Members Deployed to Portland Immediately Subsumed into Collaborative Resin Art Polycule
- Pope Leo Threatens to Send Exorcist to White House Following Trump’s War on Chicago
- Trump Spends Seven Months With Elon Musk; Now Feels Need to Eradicate Autism
- Due to Research Funding Cuts, We May Never Know What the Fox Says
- Sexy New Travis Kelce American Eagle Ad: “Genes Are Passed Down Like a Football From One Player to Another. I’m Blonde.”
- Bold New Proposal to Tackle Police Brutality: All Squad Cars Will Now Be Priuses Sporting “Don’t Honk at Me or I’ll Cry” Bumper Stickers
- Anti-Jeremiah Fisher Protests Overwhelm Major U.S. Cities
- Economy So Bad One Direction Can’t Buy Teenage Girls With Messy Buns And Blue Orbs Anymore
- Wolf In Bear’s Clothing: Grizz Revealed to be PLU Alumnus
- Tragic: I Took Tylenol While Pregnant and My Son Doesn’t Give a Shit About Dinosaurs
- Bitches Hate Nuance: No Yellow Seen At Campus Stoplight Party
