Combat Zone

Everyone goes to the S.U.B. Though its selection inevitably wears thin, it’s the most convenient way to get your hands on tasty burgers, fresh salads and moral corruption. Wait, what? Last week, the S.U.B.’s threat to the moral character of Puget Sound students became clear. Nigel Bixby, Editor-in-Chief of the sexually repressive Drylands magazine, called on Dining and Conference Services to pull bananas from the menu, citing their “immense potential for obscene expression.” According to Bixby and the members of Drylands, bananas are too useful as a penis proxy. “These...

It’s that time of year again! No, not that time, the other one. Yeah, the registration one. What do you mean, you don’t care?!? Whoop-de-s*** if you’re a senior, there are other people on this campus too! Whatever. Here’s a look at some classes next fall. CONN375-Jersey Shore Genealogy This Connections core class is guaranteed to take your love of reality television and turn it into outright loathing. Students will do in-depth research on the immigration history of Italians in America but also on their genealogy. Projects for the semester...

The very young men and women of Puquanashville, Washington are celebrating a key victory in the nationwide push for children’s suffrage. With the passage of H.R. 3575, children aged 4 to 12 were granted the right to vote. Bobby Monaghan, who submitted the bill, in crayon, to the city legislature, was so overwhelmed by the victory that he couldn’t even make a comment. Instead, he conducted a brief press conference from behind his mother’s skirt. Michelle Monaghan, his mother, relayed the boy’s joy at the liberation of his people. “Bobby...

As Puget Sound’s new Wetlands publication is dominating many students’ imaginations, not a whole lot of attention has been given to another new and sexual addition to the campus community. Starting Monday, the new Sexual Expeditionary, or SEXPY for short, will open in the basement of Kilworth Chapel, for the enjoyment and pleasure for whomever enters. Juniors Amanda Clammi and Rick Hardwell hope that the SEXPY will add positive contributions to sexual discussion and experimentation. “I’d even go as far as to say that we will end up being more...

My name is Eric Gunderson, and I have a broken wrist. Why do I have a broken wrist? Because there is an epidemic problem at Puget Sound: walkers. Not zombies, but people who walk to classes. If you’re wondering why this is a problem, there’s a good chance you’re one of them. Just yesterday I was on my way to French, minding by own business, zipping recklessly past people on my board. This one lady was just dragging along, right in the middle of the goddamn sidewalk. It was too...

A new, youthful Canadian phenomenon is taking Puget Sound by storm, and it’s not Justin Bieber. The University has recently become a primo destination in the new Canadian student itinerary that has become the most popular spring break activity across Western Canadian colleges. Known as “alco-tourism,” the trend was spawned by the lower drinking ages in Canada. Canadian students, bored with drinking’s legality, cross the U.S. borders in droves. They come to drink furtively in friends’ parents’ houses and dorm rooms, which are often supplied by upperclassmen that are unable...

It’s hard getting students involved in campus activities. Ask any hall Resident Assistant. “We’re always working against the apathy element,” said Lindsay Shamwow, T/P R.A. “We’ve got to come up with events that are fun and rewarding but can also fit into people’s schedules. And everyone is getting busier all the time. Promises of free pizza can only get us so far.” But last month, Todd/Phibbs amazed the campus community with its wildly successful “Stay in and Jerk Off” event. “I’m pretty sure 90% of T/P came,” said Lindsay. “We’re...