Everyone goes to the S.U.B. Though its selection inevitably wears thin, it’s the most convenient way to get your hands on tasty burgers, fresh salads and moral corruption.
Wait, what?
Last week, the S.U.B.’s threat to the moral character of Puget Sound students became clear.
Nigel Bixby, Editor-in-Chief of the sexually repressive Drylands magazine, called on Dining and Conference Services to pull bananas from the menu, citing their “immense potential for obscene expression.” According to Bixby and the members of Drylands, bananas are too useful as a penis proxy.
“These jungle phalluses have held this campus in terror for too long,” Bixby said in a press conference.
“You can’t enter the diner without being slapped across the face with their image. All these girls and guys sucking on dildo-fruit. Frankly, it’s disgusting. I just want to study. That’s why I came to college. But I can’t sit in peace for five minutes without someone orally pleasuring themselves.”
Bixby went on to detail the scientific basis behind his complaint.
“It is an established fact that men think about sex every seven seconds. Yet it is impossible to eat a banana in less than seven seconds. So it’s weird every time. Besides, even if a guy could eat a banana in six, that would look awfully gay.”
Tensions between the Drylanders and the bananas came to a head on Sunday morning, when the group staged a protest in the dining hall. Nearly a dozen people turned out. Among them was Tinfoil Joe, who claims bananas, through their natural radioactivity, gave him throat cancer.
However, the S.U.B. was largely empty at the time, as much of campus was still incapacitated from the orgiastic revelry of the previous night’s University of Puget Sound Wind Ensemble concert.
The protesters emptied the banana basket on the floor and attempted to smash them underfoot. The resulting mayhem landed two Drylanders in the hospital with concussions. Bixby suffered a bruised tailbone, and has promised to eliminate all bananas everywhere to soothe his butthurt.
A video of the event, set to the Benny Hill theme, currently has 600,000 hits on YouTube.
Drylands has already been involved in numerous complaints against the sexual tolerance of the university. Last semester the group boycotted the Vagina Monologues. They put on a separate show to run in direct competition with the production, titled The Poetry of Pants. Among the gems from the play were monologues such as “The Birds and Bees are Burning,” “Yes Means No,” and “Why Not Wait Forever?”
Dining and Conference Services responded to the complaint on Wednesday. In a brief statement, DCS operating vice-president Martha Jones announced that it will begin including two hard-boiled eggs with every banana, as a package-deal.