Combat Zone

Newly elected ASUPS president “Slick” Ricky Radelli has been outed as having laundered money to fund a political action committee, or PAC, to campaign before the elections took place. The PAC itself did little to help Radelli’s rise to office, as there were still fewer than 20 votes cast, most of which contained false write-in names such as “Seymour Butts” and “Megan Fox’s Thumbs.” Radelli won the election by a mere three votes, two of which were cast by Radelli’s opponents, Felix Dürtitrauser and Sally Soreass. “By nature, the Soreasses...

I write to you in protest of the insane ASUPS voting system here at Puget Sound. As a freshman, I was just recently introduced to the University and its elected student body. When I tried to vote for the officer candidates online, I found out something pretty interesting. Turns out our votes are weighed by class rank. That’s right: sophomore votes count more than freshman, etc. Seriously, do you guys even know that? Am I the only one who voted? I thought it was just coincidence that all the candidates...

Given the recent statements made by several government officials, including representative Jack Bakin’s (R-MO 2nd District) confused remarks about “legitimate rape” and women’s reproductive rights, The Trail thought it appropriate to assign a team to investigate the origin and nature of men’s education. Intense investigation revealed that Representative Bakin did not attend preschool or kindergarten, skipping that key period when children are taught the social skills they need to work and cooperate with peers in a social environment. Because of his lack of fundamental social exposure, Bakin has missed several...

A growing concern of the freshman class this year is in regards to their geographical frustration of living in Seattle. Several do not understand why their expectations of living in such a large city are failing them so dramatically. The Campus Visit Program is not commenting on allegations made by several students that the notion of living in Seattle has been over hyped. Others have begun to notice discrepancies in the general population they expected to find, here in the city. Instead of the young and hip hustle and bustle...

For reasons that have only just surfaced, three agents of the Drug Enforcement Administration have stepped down on the grounds that they have become pacifists. The announcement came just days after the DEA raided a medical marijuana dispensary in the state capital, Olympia. The agents were supposed to have raided the dispensaries and then burn down the buildings, but due to a typo on the agents’ issued briefing, the agents were instructed to “raid the dispensaries and confiscate any and all marijuana plants and paraphernalia. Burn in the buildings.” The...

PrintGreen is back! The new program from Sustainability Services, which was temporarily disabled in the beginning of the semester, is officially up and running, meaning students are going to have to become much more conscious about the amount of paper they’re using. This has been a controversial program, with admirers and admonishers alike. Many students, primarily the history majors, have complained the “average” student uses far less paper than they need, insisting that they’re being discriminated against. This is just the first of many new changes. The brilliance to this...

As an alumnus it has come to my attention that the University plans to remodel Club Rendezvous in the coming years. This recent revelation has brought up a slew of memories at what we then called Rendezvous 54, and how it defined my time at Puget Sound. Rendezvous was the place to be seen on a Friday night in 1976. I was a freshman and had only heard rumors of the Rendezvous 54 glory. My stomach was in knots but my hair was feathered and fresh and my jeans fit...

A new hero has been patrolling the mean street of Tacoma, dealing out his own brand of justice, foiling a recent string of Taco Bell robberies. “Don’t know what to do about it,” Chief of Police O’Hanigan McFlattery Sullivan said. “First of all, it’s pretty bizzare someone would make a point of only robbing Taco Bells since they all have time lock safes. Even if you were successful you’d only make it out with $40.” “And secondly,” Sullivan continued, “why would a vigilante focus only on protecting Taco Bells? Do...

The streets of Seattle were anything but calm during Saturday’s “Keep Calm” street fair downtown. The benefit, meant to raise money for the city’s public education fund by selling those annoying “Keep Calm and—” posters, turned gruesome after fair-goers became so calm that many of them forgot to breathe and died of oxygen deprivation. The seemingly random collapse of twelve people sparked an immense panic among some in the crowd. However, due to the influence of the “Keep Calm” posters, many people simply refused to move and were either killed...

The 2012-2013 school year has seen a drastic uptake in the number of jobs outsourced to students, the most obvious being the new self-swipe card machines in the S.U.B. But more changes are on their way as part of the ten-year plan for the University. The first change to be made involves eliminating as many workers from the S.U.B. as possible. “S.U.B. jobs are probably a huge drain on the University budget,” sophomore Hayley Grey said. “I mean students never stop eating so they have to keep it open all...

We can all agree on some things: it sucks being tired late at night with loads of work left, everyone knows that. This is generally the case for me, as a biology and math double major. I’m not complaining, I know we’re all busy. But when I’m up trying to get work done, I usually turn to the library or some other secluded location, and I know many of you do as well. The problem is that I define  “work” differently than the majority of people. For me, it usually...

Just last week, Elizabeth Queens, 18, a freshman at Puget Sound, made a shocking discovery. Distraught after her fifth break up since registering for classes, she was walking despondently to 7/11 for a cherry slushie, when something amazing happened. “I looked up and realized I had been staring at my shoes, counting the tears splashing on my laces, and had walked right across Sixth! I panicked! All the signs had strange, s-shaped symbols on them, and all the streets took crazy swerves in all kinds of directions. The craziest part...