Combat Zone

Marshall mafiosos

Officers within the University of Puget Sound’s security team informed the press today of an impending, full-scale sting operation culminating in a fully armed raid already in progress on the shadowy, mysterious corners of the second floor of Marshall Hall.

“We’re up against smart, hardened criminals,” one sergeant, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of retribution against his family, said. “However, we’re confident that after months of tracing their movements, we can finally end what is certainly the most notorious criminal syndicate ever to occur on the second floor of a campus building.”

Reports of criminal activity have dated back for years, but only in recent months has security been able to convince witnesses to step forward and give evidence. Apparently, completely under the noses of both Security and the campus administration, a network of gangster-type mafiosos have been engaged in everything from petty theft, assault, concealing weapons without licenses, illegal gambling, smuggling tobacco and money laundering, all the way to blackmail, extortion, racketeering, armed robbery and conspiracy. The worst kinds of criminals.

One witness, speaking on condition of anonymity, who we are arbitrarily calling John Doe-Decahedron, explained how we came to the realization that shady deeds were being done upstairs.

“I used to go up there to study and stuff,” Doe-Decahedron said, “and never really thought about anyone else. For one thing, it’s impossible to see up there. The lighting makes no sense. You can’t see anyone’s face, really. The chandelier things don’t help at all. And some of the booths aren’t even lit. Yet it looked like people were reading there. Finally, one day I walked up and looked around at the other people and realized I didn’t recognize a single one of them. Who are all these people? And they’re all on MacBooks, yet never seem to be finishing any work. I started to realize these weren’t fellow students at all.”

Lighting is just one of the lapses in security responsible for allowing this kind of organized crime. History professor Karl Grove-Trotter explained how holes in security are exploited.

“For instance, the windows are crazy easy to open and enter the roof from. How is that allowed? Whose job is it to lock these windows? Seriously. You could have a picnic up there,” he said.

“Also, the S.U.B. is open most of the time, and entry is ridiculously easy to gain. I’ve gone in there at 5 a.m., no problem. You just knock and some crazy-eyed freshman pulling an all-nighter will let you in. There are also a dozen empty rooms at these criminals’ disposal, which, even when locked, are usually slightly ajar anyway. And don’t even get me started on the mail room downstairs. It’s straight up like the opposite of Alcatraz,” Grove-Trotter continued.

Regardless of the success of the raid, many new safety precautions will be introduced by the administration to stem the rise in crime. Security will be introducing moving spotlights that won’t really light anything but will get in people’s eyes occasionally and be really annoying. They are also planning to install fake cameras that don’t work but will make people feel like they’re being watched. They’re also making an extra key, presumably so someone can be hired to lock things once in awhile.