Combat Zone

Scorpio:  Oct 23 - Nov 21 You are deaf to your friends’ attempts to communicate. Hint: Take off the headphones. Sagittarius:  Nov 22 - Dec 21 You will either have a terrible dream or a terrible day. Regardless, getting someone to slap you only makes it worse. Capricorn:  Dec 22 - Jan 19 With the rings of Saturn spinning, everyone gets better-looking when you are drunk—except for you. Aquarius:  Jan 20 - Feb 18 If you keep making faces at that bitchy girl behind her back, your face will stay...

Ugly sweater party not a joke What do you think Taylor meant when he said, “Thanks for inviting me to your party, sorry I forgot to dress up”? Boys are sooo weird! Whatever - let’s get back to what we were talking about before: what did you guys get for 16 across? I got “pineapple”. Combat Zone writer graduates from West Point Amid congratulations and handshakes, the humorist claims it started out as a joke, “But there is nothing funny about war… Aw, who am I kidding, our military is...

Dear Love Attorney, I like a girl a lot and I want to write her a poem to win her over but I am borderline illiterate and apparently horrible at poetry. I hear you are a good poet. Do you have any tips for writing poetry, or better yet, any already-written love poems that I could read to her? From, Pablo Neurotic Dear Pablo, May I first say that you write very well for an illiterate, and illiteracy was never an excuse for being a bad poet. It never stopped...

32-year-old Sara Krat of Tacoma shocked the world on Thursday when she opened a pickle jar all by herself. The 110-pound, 5’4” female doesn’t know where the unprecedented amount of strength came from. Her amazing story began as she was making a sandwich for which she needed some pickles. “I took the still-sealed jar out of the fridge and, like usual, expected to struggle with the lid for a few minutes before calling my husband to open the jar for me. This time, though, something was different. I popped it...

The costume that sends a strong message about the importance of safe sex: NAME: The broken condom* HOW TO: Put a plastic bag over your head (The Trail is not responsible for any accidental suffocation that may occur) and cut a hole in it. *(Warning: It is impossible to achieve a Halloween Hook-Up wearing this costume.) The costume that comments on the horrors of daily existence as opposed to myth or fantasy: NAME: Public transportation. HOW TO: Turn a refrigerator box on its side and cut holes for windows. You...

The Curse of the Ancient Cleveland Indians Fan Burial Ground Date: August-September, 1888 Location: All across campus Descryption: The university is known to have been built over an ancient Cleveland Indians fan burial ground, but the founders kept this a secret. The cover-up was undone during the first week of classes when voices, seeming to come from underground, were heard calling out to the material world things like: “What the hell? Did I break into da Rock’n’Roll Hall’a’Fame and pass out again?” and “We ain’t dead! Let us out! At...

Collins Memorial Library has been notorious for technological issues: printers constantly fail, all computers mysteriously reboot at 10 p.m. every night, and so on. It seems as if there is always one thing screwy with the technology. But last week, it was discovered that all the technological failures were caused by a computer programmer with severe dyslexia who constantly entered code incorrectly. Brenda Flarfstein, a 33 year-old systems programmer for Technology Services, admitted to suffering from “Ohwano” dyslexia—a form of the learning disability dyslexia where the person writes and types...