Rosie O’Donell announced today, in a surprise press conference, that she is indeed a Marsupial.
The actress/comedian, most popular from her roles in such stellar films as Short Bus or A League of their Own, confessed her relief over finally ‘coming out’ as a Marsupial: “When I came out as a lesbian, I thought I was living an open and happy life, but over the years I have come to realize my deep denial; the truth is, I am a Marsupial, and I have been hiding this fact from the world and myself for too long.”
Ms. O’Donell’s friends and family expressed confusion over this latest outburst, which has come well past the peak years of the performer’s career.
“I was sort of OK with the whole lesbian thing,” Ms. O’Donell’s father said, “but a Marsupial? I don’t know.”
Ms. O’Donell’s mother seemed more despondent. “We’ve always loved Rosie for who she is and accepted her friends and members of the lesbian community. But how can we be expected to do the same with her Marsupial friends? I mean, they are animals-non-domesticated animals.”
While important reforms have been made to allow more rights for gay and lesbians in the past century, the same is not so for Marsupials.
A recent poll based on no empirical evidence whatsoever was compiled by Time magazine. The study indicates that most people in America, where there are no domesticated Marsupials outside of zoos, tend to view the infraclass as nothing more than animals. And rightly so.
Ms. O’Donell announcement can only come in the face of much adversity.
Some members of the press see Ms. O’Donell’s move as nothing more than a cheap publicity stunt.
“Rosie isn’t a Marsupial. I’ve seen her naked. There is no pouch!” one beleaguered source that declined to be named said.
A University of Puget Sound student, who “took a class on Geography,” posed the question, “Aren’t Marsupials from Australia?”
A further critique of Ms. O’Donell’s announcement encompasses larger concerns with washed up celebrities who ‘come out’ in one way or another.
Sociology Professor Hardwell Sittings explained, “When celebrities ‘come out’, it is instant publicity for them. But aren’t they in some way capitalizing on their personal life choices? I mean, Rosie hasn’t had a hit film or show in years. But now, with this Marsupial brouhaha, people are talking about her again. It discredits the sincerity and importance of ‘coming out’.”
Ricky Martin announced just last year that he was a homosexual. Did it help his waning career?
“Absolutely,” Sittings said, “the announcement was totally perfunctory; everyone knew he was gay. But now tons of people are going to buy his CD’s.”
Nevertheless, Ms. O’Donell refuses to back down from her statement.Rumors abound that she will star in a remake of Crocodile Dundee with fellow actor Tom Arnold, who announced recently, to no one’s surprise, that he is not funny.