Combat Zone

The Universal Valentine

Worried you won’t find the right words to express your feelings to a loved or hated one? Worry not! Just cut out this Valentine and circle the phrase in parenthesis that applies to you!

Dear (Lover / Asshole)  ,

(Happy / I hope you are suffering this )Valentines day!

My time spent with you has (brightened my life / robbed me of my joy and ability to filter blood).

When I see your (sweet smile / hideous grin ) I feel so (warm and eternal / much anger boiling at the pit of my being, you son of a bitch.)

You are so (thoughtful / putrid). I’ve always known you were my  (type / bloodtype), but now I know you are (the only one for me / just a selfish, bastard-hearted criminal)

You have stolen my (heart / kidney) and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with (you / the poison of revenge flowing through my veins).

With more (love / malice) than my heart can contain,