Combat Zone

Puget Sound students and administrators were left puzzled and stunned after attending famed comedian Bill Cosby’s recent school-sponsored talk. “I mean, I don’t know what I was expecting, maybe a joke set of some sort,” junior Hannah Weitz said. “But that?” Events planner Jerry Garcia expressed a similar befuddlement. “What the s**t did I just watch?” Apparently, rather than following the school-approved script of knock-knock jokes and memories from Kids Say The Darndest Things, Cosby took the time to share with the audience his passion for haiku poetry and nude...

By VONNIE KEATSGUTS Recently, large water bottles were banned from sale on campus, beginning at a later date. You know, the gigantic ones which say Puget Sound on the side. The bottles were introduced in 2008 with the onset of the Great Recession. School officials were unsure if tuition and federal funding would be enough to keep the school afloat, so, following soda manufacturers’ lead, the school embarked on the greatest scam ever: bottling and selling a product they give away for free from every tap, toliet and urinal on...

By JEZABEL LIGHTLY Campus is abuzz this week. Not over the end of a long and grueling semester, but rather over the prospect of another reading period in the library and the exhibitionist acts that accompany the 24 hour periods during which it remains open. The nudists and streakers have been seen this month wiping down banisters and disinfecting several routes they plan to take through the library due  to concerns over skin irritation and outbreaks of rashes. Several large drums have also been found hidden in various corners of...

By VONNIE KEATSGUTS Ever sit in your nice apartment, sipping cognac, wondering what kind of rubes  would live on campus past freshman year? Well, you’re not alone. Most people do. It makes little sense, on the surface. RCCs and uncomfortable dorm furniture, when you have other options? Are these people nuts? The answer to that question is a resounding yes. As one of these dunces, allow me to take you on a wondrous tour of the safari that is our on-campus upperclassmen. Keep your hands and feet inside at all...

Last Wednesday was the wonderful day everyone on campus had been buzzing about for a month now. That event, of course, was the Midnight Breakfast! After its triumphant return from an awkward hiatus last year, during which drunken debaucheries, public vomiting, fights, rampant orgies and the singing of Dispatch’s “The General” caused campus authorities to take away a beloved and cherished eating of breakfast food, for fear that this sacred and holy event was forever tarnished. They tentatively allowed it last semester, albeit with full-body screenings and breathalyzers, extra security...

Officers within the University of Puget Sound’s security team informed the press today of an impending, full-scale sting operation culminating in a fully armed raid already in progress on the shadowy, mysterious corners of the second floor of Marshall Hall. “We’re up against smart, hardened criminals,” one sergeant, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of retribution against his family, said. “However, we’re confident that after months of tracing their movements, we can finally end what is certainly the most notorious criminal syndicate ever to occur on the second floor...

Ask anyone and they’ll tell you: the economy just isn’t what it was. Everyone has been affected by the national drop in employment, and recent college graduates have been some of the hardest hit. Humanities majors, in paticular, have suffered from the dip. As they see their liberal arts degrees failing to produce any form of income, some ask whether or not their chosen major can support them in the professional world. In order to combat this declining number of unemployed Humanities majors, the University has agreed to construct a...

This week we are running a feature article on Willy Bleck-Riggleson, a poor boy who, like many Puget Sound students, didn’t leave Tacoma this Thanksgiving weekend, having made no plans to celebrate. He didn’t arrive welcome and loved to a warm, loving family, around a warm, delicious turkey dinner in front of a crackling, loving fire. Instead, Willy stayed on campus, cold and alone, fending for himself amidst the tempestuously cold, lonely winds of Tacoma. Having already visited his parents in Eugene, Ore. over fall break, Willy thought he might...

For years, experts have warned that video games have a detrimental impact on interpersonal relations. Every study has consistently shown that the earlier children begin playing video games, the fewer sports or after-school activities they will engage in, the fewer close friendships they will form and the more likely their conception of an external reality will suffer. Even scarier, with the rise of such in-depth story lines and open world exploration made available by games like Skyrim, we have seen an increase in total hours spent immersed in this alternate...

It’s no secret that the world is hot as balls and is steadily getting hotter as ballser. Polar bears are pissed off, Priuses are getting uglier every year and somewhere Al Gore is sitting in a candlelit room on a romantic date with his Nobel Peace Prize. What’s causing this plethora of what-the-hellery? I’m talking, of course, about the greatest plague to our planet since Nickelback’s debut album: (cue ‘50s horror movie music) GLOBAL WARMING! That’s right, the sun’s slowly eating our planet like a reluctant fat kid eating his...

The following is an account of time spent in New York City during Hurricane Sandy by Trail reporter Jezebel Lightly. It’s 5 p.m. on Sunday. I’m on a New York City street, somewhere on the lower East Side. Today, the winds have begun to pick up. Trash is scattered everywhere and it’s beginning to pour. So, at a glance, not too abnormal. But you can feel it. This one’s different. The name “Sandy” is heard muttered beneath people’s breath. Stores everywhere have been boarded up. Pizzerias, with neon lights flickering...