Following a particularly tough week of having to actually do some homework and studying with minimal access to Wi-Fi, student Whit was on the point of breaking down from the stress. Sources say he was forced to get his stash of tissues that his mom had sent him. These tissues are a rare brand known as Privilege Tissues™ that are actually made from the suffering of people who have what the brand calls “actual problems.” Research has shown that the company primarily appeals to the average college student in the...

Heaving a sigh of relief, a local student was thrilled to express that they and the rest of the campus were all still here in one piece. There had been a growing fear that things were not looking good following recent accusations of corruption. “I really felt things turned out remarkably well considering how treacherous of a path we seemed to be on. I was afraid I was going to have to actually start paying attention to ASUPS but now that the elections are over I can go back to...

Students are rejoicing across the nation now that they can finally give more money to the institutions that are so desperately in need of money: colleges. Yes, colleges that are just barely able to scrape by are getting the help they need. Do you realize how hard it is to count all the money they make already from students? It’s very hard. It’s clearly harder than playing a full-length basketball game. And yet all these college athletes do is whine and complain. It has been reported that these people are...

Following recent events of late, students have taken to social media with the fervor and knowledge that they can solve every problem imaginable with the properly crafted Tumblr post or social media action. It is now possible to solve sexism through Twitter, environmental destruction through Facebook, bullying through Yik Yak and poverty through Instagram. People also will soon be able to solve homelessness through Snapchat. The possibilities are endless, which has ensured that various other companies have jumped on this ever-wonderful bandwagon. On Dec. 2, entitled #GivingTuesday, Macy’s, CVS and...

For the past few weeks, our school has been on the brink of utter annihilation. We have been in a dark time, without hope to guide us on. We almost had a movement that had emerged from the shadows to lead us to the light (it was basically the work of a modern day Jesus TBH #blessed). We had finally discovered the movement that could save us, and it was called WannaWaffle UPS. It would have been a waffle delivery service operated out of a student’s dorm. I know, great...

Today’s article is brought to you by Scooby Doo. Scooby Doo: If Something F***ed Up Is Happening, It’s Probably An Old White Man Trying to Make Money. Speaking of old men who are using white privilege to further control the country, the ever-fun midterm elections have ended. For all those who may not know, the midterm elections are a very clear reminder of how outstanding our representative democracy is. At least for the people that really matter: rich, old white men. Yes these outstanding citizens are the ones that truly...

It’s almost that time again. No, I’m not talking about when we get such a weird fascination with Pumpkin Spice Lattes (that would be a shallow topic). No, it’s time for you to dress up for Halloween! Yes, now is the time to see who has the money to spend on exorbitantly priced costumes and to secretly judge them behind their back. Understandably, there won’t be many interesting costumes save one student’s this year. Against all odds, one student is going to be dressing up as something truly creative. Resembling...

Recently, there was an article published in this paper entitled “Crows on campus causing problems for students.” Some very hurtful words were thrown at my crow brethren like “pervasive” and “infestation.” I sought out the crow leader to show them this article and the response was quite simple: “We were here first, a**holes. My family has been here for generations, and suddenly you people show up acting like you own the place. Well, guess what, you don’t own sh**. You call us a ‘flock of pests’ when it is you...

For those of you who like jokes about Lanyards (which are always hilarious) then you are going to love Yik Yak. Some of you may be asking “What is Yik Yak?” or “Is that some sort of type of throat cancer?” Well, Yik Yak is an app that is taking the college world by storm, even more than the actually storms that are starting to roll in. This app allows you to post a message to a message board that people in your area can see. And here’s the kicker:...