Combat Zone

March Madness Gives Students the Delightful Opportunity to Pay More

Students are rejoicing across the nation now that they can finally give more money to the institutions that are so desperately in need of money: colleges. Yes, colleges that are just barely able to scrape by are getting the help they need. Do you realize how hard it is to count all the money they make already from students? It’s very hard. It’s clearly harder than playing a full-length basketball game. And yet all these college athletes do is whine and complain.

It has been reported that these people are even suffering career-ending injuries from this work. No, I’m not talking about the players. I’m talking about the people who have to count the huge piles of money! They are now suffering because of how heavy all the money they have to hold is.

It’s a tragedy and it’s only fair that on top of the millions in tuition colleges receive that they also get a few million on the side as well to help them with their injuries. After all, America is all about rewarding the hard work of these poor, overworked colleges that are just trying to get by in a world that is clearly so punishing to them.

This year’s March Madness is the only chance they have to make it somehow, and it is shaping up to be an even more exciting one than years before. There is nothing more fun than watching college-aged kids sacrifice their bodies while earning millions of dollars for each of their respective schools all in order to support the people who have really earned it. However, some might say that these college-aged kids possibly deserve “compensation” or “fair pay.”

People making this argument, or “hippie communists” as some have called them, are just using this opportunity to spread the wealth. Besides, these kids are already mooching off these noble colleges with the scholarships they are being given. “Wait,” you may say “but half of these kids don’t graduate anyway because of how much time they must devote to a team that is effectively robbing them.”

This logic is coming to us from needy, untalented welfare cheats. I was able to dunk once, so it can’t be that hard. Sure, I had to use a trampoline to do it but it’s still basically the same. Besides it’s not like NCAA basketball is very good, right? I play pick-up with my friends all the time and you don’t see me asking for money from my school. Sure, we could only play for 10 minutes since we are out of shape but it’s still basically the same.

Now some will say that these people are making money not just from ticket sales but also from it being televised with advertisements. But that’s just dumb. I mean if we start paying people it’ll take the romance out of the game. Nothing is more nostalgic than seeing America go back to its roots by watching it subjugate those around them in order to entertain the masses through television. You know what I’m saying? It’s all for the love of the game.

Before you know it, people will be calling for us to pay dogs at dog shows for their performances. Yeah, I just compared college athletes to dogs. I clearly view them that way and want to continue getting every bit of entertainment I want out of them. Wait, that may have come out wrong… I mean… go sports?