Combat Zone

Tumblr slacktivism surprises haters with real results

Following recent events of late, students have taken to social media with the fervor and knowledge that they can solve every problem imaginable with the properly crafted Tumblr post or social media action. It is now possible to solve sexism through Twitter, environmental destruction through Facebook, bullying through Yik Yak and poverty through Instagram. People also will soon be able to solve homelessness through Snapchat. The possibilities are endless, which has ensured that various other companies have jumped on this ever-wonderful bandwagon.

On Dec. 2, entitled #GivingTuesday, Macy’s, CVS and Paul Mitchell (which proves you can always trust someone with two first names) all took to their company Twitter accounts encouraging followers to retweet their tweets to ensure that the money they are holding hostage can slowly be given out dollar by dollar. Or something like that…. Rather than simply donating the money like “kind” people do, these companies had the courage to capitalize on the wonderful opportunity of people suffering from cancer as a PR opportunity. Because we here applaud this brave step taken by these companies, we hope to make a separate offer in the spirit of giving set by these companies this holiday season.

For every like this article gets online, we will give .00001 cents to the charity of our choice (to be determined in the year 2100) to ensure that we do our part to make the world a better place. With your help, we can begin to improve the world around us and you can do your part to ensure that the problems of our planet are solved without having to leave your own home! How wonderful is it that we no longer have to get up out of bed to help others? With the click of a button, we can wish our problems away. It is a wonderful system that is guaranteed to work. 100 percent. No flaws, absolutely none. W promise.

However, some people out there have the audacity to label these actions as “self-serving” and “exploitative.” These hippie purists are just way out of line, and don’t want us to do all the good we can do. They even criticized me for wearing all pink to raise awareness about cancer! They say “only a miniscule portion of the money you pay goes to cancer research and you would be better off donating it rather than buying an excessive amount of clothing so you can brag to your friends about it.” Which, you know… clearly means that they just want everyone to continue getting cancer. These people call themselves realists but they really hate America. If only they were as good as us true heroes.

However, these fellow online heroes are under attack by these radicals America haters every day. It truly is a tragedy. People who “believe in doing good just to be good” are accusing them of armchair activism or whatever nonsense these people say is false kindness. However, I could never be more proud by the responses students here gave. They were truly inspiring and hilarious comebacks in defense of our movement. These brilliant students clarified that they normally sit in a futon in their dorm, not an old armchair that no one uses anymore. Not only are these students very kind, they are so witty too! Us heroes are gorgeous, kind, and just great people. That’s why we share those posts all day, so you can all know how great we all are too. You’re welcome America.

I really could not be more proud of the online revolution that is manifesting to ensure helping others will no longer require you to actually put in effort. How tiresome is it to have to actually help with time and money when you can use your social media presence to care in place of yourself? We have successfully taken the experience of compassion and put it at the tip of your fingertips. Because you know that one quote form the Dalai Lama: “Share this with your friends on Myspace to bring world peace.” It’s something like that. I might be paraphrasing, but you get what I’m saying. Either way, I am glad to have been able to open your eyes to the beauty of all us slackers can do in place of all the hard work of activism.