Combat Zone

Crow leader responds to libelous newspaper story

Recently, there was an article published in this paper entitled “Crows on campus causing problems for students.” Some very hurtful words were thrown at my crow brethren like “pervasive” and “infestation.”

I sought out the crow leader to show them this article and the response was quite simple: “We were here first, a**holes. My family has been here for generations, and suddenly you people show up acting like you own the place. Well, guess what, you don’t own sh**. You call us a ‘flock of pests’ when it is you who are really the pests.”

I can testify to the fact that these birds are smart enough to mobilize, and yes, they can memorize faces. To have the audacity to say that it is surprising for them to be smart is incredibly offensive to them. They are not cockroaches, they are creatures that deserve our respect and if they are not given that, “things could get ugly,” according to the crow leader.

They have chosen me as the liaison to the school to provide their list of demands. They have five demands for the school. These are direct quotes, so I apologize for the further vulgarity:

1. For f***’s sake, stop mowing the lawn so much. We get it. There is grass here. People think we are noisy, but it is your people who make the most noise.

2. No more fireworks. Ever. Not even a little sparkler.

3. Give us a Tonald Rhombus bro-tank. We need something as a target to practice dive-bombing at.

4. Give us our own weekly editorial to write our message for all students to hear.

5. Get rid of Yik Yak on campus. It’s no fun to attack people when they are looking at their phones.

The crows consider themselves to have every right to be given fair treatment as the previous opinions article had violated the unwritten agreement between our species to remain cordial in our interactions. Beyond their five demands, they wanted to make a separate statement that they consider to be non-negotiable in our further interactions. The statement is as follows:

“Bring us the student who wrote the atrocious article trashing my species. Send her alone and blindfolded to the middle of Todd Field. There can be no police interference in this, or you all will pay the price for their transgression. We will not hurt them; that is not our way. We simply want to have a nice chat with this writer, make sure they understand what they are dealing with. We will return them unharmed, if they agree to write about literally anything else. Her words in the paper were slanderous, ill informed and an utter waste of time. We are a peaceful group, and we have done nothing to deserve this. However, you have brought our wrath upon yourselves. We regret that we have to do this, but you have left us no choice. Just when we thought we were out, you pull us back in! And yes, we have seen The Godfather.”

For those of you haven’t seen The Godfather, just know that they mean business. These crows were finally willing to break their silence to deliver this message, and we ought to heed their warning.

They do remember each of our faces. They never forget. They never forgive. The only way to solve this problem is to abide by their demands and give them what they want. We simply have no other choice. There is nothing else that we can do. It is better this way, if we give them the writer they won’t be able to write any more terrible articles where they attempt to be funny but only succeed at inciting war.

I can clearly see who has the upper hand (or wing) here, and I am not afraid to jump ship, so to speak, to join the winning side. I assure you that the crows are a kind species, and they will not harm those who pledge their undying loyalty to them. To those who do not, well…I wish you the best of luck in your futile resistance.

This is a point where we can choose the fate of our campus, and that is reliant upon us backing the crows as the true leaders of campus. If you join the writer of the opinion article and their continued criticism of these benevolent beings then I cannot protect you. Take this opportunity before it is too late. Thank you.