Combat ZoneHighlights

Fedora Presence On Campus Steps Up

In a bold move by the University, fedoras have now been banned indefinitely on campus. The tone of the school’s statement about this decision had even the most staunch fedora hater appalled.

The school said that “finally the scourge of punks trying to wear hats to be cool would no longer be tolerated after much effort to rid the school of such ugliness.”

Students everywhere were shocked at this bold move and even began to fear that the college could lose admission.

Fedora Wearers United, a newly created club here, released a statement in response to this decision: “We wouldn’t have come to Tacoma if we would have known that we couldn’t wear our fedoras with varied colors to our heart’s content. We would have taken our fashion sense to Portland if we knew there would have been such persecution here. Our hats are part of our identity, and this school is oppressing us. We will not stand idly by. Expect our response to be swift and aggressive.”

The growth of students wearing fedoras was something that not many had predicted, and oddly correlated to the number of students using umbrellas. However, Fedora Wearers United quickly denied that they had any connection to what they called “those losers who haven’t realized umbrellas only belong in Rihanna songs.”

When asked if they realized that reference was one no would understand becaus it was so outdated, they said “We are the masters at making outdated cool.”

This claim seems to be true; the number of fedora wearers has begun to increase around the nation, according to a new poll compiled by the Pew Research Center to be released in the upcoming year. The poll attributed the main reason for this growth to an attempt to be a part of the growing hipster movement that is sweeping the nation. This fascinating phenomenon has been met with mixed reactions, not only with schools, but also various companies taking preemptive steps to ensure that this hipster scourge doesn’t become an infestation.

The trend even took place in a recent press conference where Marshawn Lynch showed up wearing his own custom Beast Mode logo embroidered into a new fedora. Reporters had a hard time taking down his statements of “I’m still hoping I won’t get fined” in between the various giggles and small chuckles throughout the interview. When asked for comment on his player’s fashion choice, Pete Carroll merely said, “I know we should have run the ball! All you people can shut up on twitter for f***’s sake! Wait, what was the question again?”

As for the school’s justification of the ban, there has been some speculation as to whether this was a personal vendetta on behalf of the University’s president. There had been previous reports from anonymous sources that Tonald Rhombus had been going around knocking people’s fedoras off their heads and jumping up on them repeatedly until they had been “crushed beyond repair.” Long rumored to have been a fan of Indiana Jones, Rhombus has been quoted as defending the purity of only his “boy Indie being able to wear the hat.” This move has several students scared, wondering if they will be next.