Combat ZoneHighlights

Kardashian supports Keystone XL pipeline, oil development

All oiled up: There are many more sustainable varieties of oil that Kim K could use to make her body shinier in photo shoots. We’re not completely sure if she understands what the Keystone XL Pipleline is, or what that kind of oil would do in terms of moisturizing the skin.

In recent weeks there was a large discussion of the implications of constructing the Keystone XL pipeline. The hippies of the so called “environmentalist movement” have rejoiced over the fact that they managed to stop this legislation, albeit by one vote in the Senate. However, there was one person who spoke up to insert their well-educated political opinion on this matter.

We are very lucky to have had this opportunity to sit down with the great Kim Kardashian for an exclusive interview to discuss her position on the recent vote. She takes the position that the pipeline is needed to allow her to take another “Break the Internet” photo. Students have already begun to protest at the risk that there could never be another picture like that following the vote. Which is why we are glad to present the following Q&A. It was unscripted and the most groundbreaking interview we have ever had the joy of conducting.

Thank you for being here, Kardashian. Now, what are your thoughts on the recent decision of the pipeline?

Kim Kardashian: Firstly, I wanted to say that I am now Mrs. West. I don’t know if you follow the news at all but I have gotten married to the love of my life, Kanye. I am quite offended that you haven’t done your proper research about what my surname is now.

My apologies, I hadn’t heard about this… event. So what are your thoughts on the recent Keystone vote?

Kim Kardashian West: Well, I don’t know if you have also heard about my most recent masterpiece, but it is very reliant on oil.

Are you referring to your shi… I mean wonderful new mobile game?

Kim West: No, but that is one of my favorite projects I have pursued. But this extends beyond even my book of selfies.

Wait, you have a book of selfies?

Kim West: Yes, of course I do. The world needs to be exposed to all my glory all the time every day. Anyways, as I was saying before you rudely interrupted me, I recently created my best work yet: my Paper Magazine cover. I’m guessing you have seen it. It was quite difficult to miss.

I’m afraid I don’t understand. What does this have to do with the Keystone XL Pipeline?

Kim West: It’s quite simple: Lathering up my body requires a large amount of oil. When considering the size of my infamous a** it is important to realize that if I am to ever do a repeat of this masterpiece I will need access to a large supply of oil. I simply am standing for what America truly wants [laughs]. It is my duty as a citizen of this great nation to ensure there is a supply to meet the demand for my expanded portfolio of art.

Well, I am quite taken aback by this declaration. I really don’t know what to say from here out. Um… I believe that will conclude our interview. Thank you very much for coming out.

Kim West: I am glad to have come to spread this important message that we all need to hear. I will be marching on DC completely in the nude on Jan. 1, 2015 as a form of protest for not passing the pipeline.