Articles written by: Yolo Ono

Combat Zone

Verdict reached: I am not a real adult

After a long and heated conversation with my parents last Friday, I concluded that, when you really consider my actions, I am in no way an adult capable of being responsible about mostly anything. While I understand that legally I am technically an adult because I have experienced my 18th […]

Combat Zone

On-campus ghosts revealed to be just really pale students

In a spooky revelation that has shocked the campus community, sources have finally confirmed that the fabled ghost of Wyatt is actually pale student Jessica Walters. The announcement came after a three year study that followed the ghost during her time in Wyatt, noting its location, habits and the occasional […]

Combat Zone

What can I satirize?

After several hours of grueling Flail meetings and multiple rejected drafts on countless topics, this reporter decided last Sunday that everything currently happening on campus is simply too sensitive to productively satirize. While satire can often be used to call out flaws with the status quo, poke holes in an […]

Combat Zone

Inclusive fraternity to objectify literally everyone

In an effort to promote diversity and inclusivity, local fraternity Lamda Lamda Lamda announced Monday that their next dance party will objectify every single person in attendance. The announcement shocked the campus as Lamda President Jay Cushon promised the student body anyone attending Lamda’s dance party on the 15th will […]

Combat Zone

Student searching in vain for “organic relationship,” whatever that means

In a shocking declaration that has shaken the  fragile social structure of Stadium High school, sources in Mr. Bryant’s 3rd period study hall reported last Friday that Jessica Lassiter will date jocks, goths or just about anyone as long as the relationship forms organically. In the wake of the devastating […]

Combat Zone

Proclaiming political diversity

Local photographer Henry Fairday is on a mission to find a real live Republican to photograph on campus. Fairday, an employee of the admissions office, has reportedly spent the last six days looking for any student wearing a shirt emblazoned with “God Bless America,” Bible quotes, “NObama” or the like. […]

Combat Zone

Biden is hella evil

“House of Cards” is Netflix’s adaption of the 1990 British political thriller by the same name. However, “House of Cards” is no simple rehash of an old show; Netflix has improved upon the original and updated it for  modern audiences by replacing parliament with congress, the prime minister with the […]

Combat Zone

Top three cutest ways to reinforce the patriarchy

While we all know the patriarchy is an oppressive, evil system that everyone has been brainwashed into supporting without realizing it, rarely do we realize how cute we are while promoting it’s terrible values. Even if you are not cute while marginalizing entire races and cultures, I bet you want […]

Combat Zone

Student speculates how much laughing at bad jokes affects participation grade

Expressing general concern over his GPA and scholastic future, freshman Erik Staton announced on Friday that he was unsure just how many sh**ty jokes he had to laugh at to get an A in his freshman seminar class. Erik’s seminar, which covers topics ranging from something outside his major to […]

Combat Zone

Model UN team clearly accomplishing far more than actual UN ever has before

A study released Thursday by the Cato Institute found that the Puget Sound Model United Nations team is doing more things more efficiently than the actual United Nations has ever done in its rich 168-year history. The study, which defined things as any action that could potentially affect people and […]