Combat Zone

Lemmings, lemmings, lemmings. We have quite a predicament on our hands, and y'alls have been making shit worse for long enough. Let's talk about hashtags. Once upon a time, these small, free-spirited epiphenomz frolicked upon the bonny banks of octothorpe-land and took bubble baths in the backwaters of linguistic cognizance but because of YOU ASSHOLES and your nasty twitty-twanking Facebookery these lovely, endangered creatures are free no more, bound instead to a lifetime of punctuating your shittyass "ironic" statuses and Instagrams that no one gives a flying f**k about. And...

Expressing general concern over his GPA and scholastic future, freshman Erik Staton announced on Friday that he was unsure just how many sh**ty jokes he had to laugh at to get an A in his freshman seminar class. Erik’s seminar, which covers topics ranging from something outside his major to weird abstract concepts no freshman could really understand, is taught by Professor Nick Jones of the English Department, and is usually Erik’s least favorite class of the day. “I mean, usually he is a great teacher but every now and...

We at The Flail are getting all Christmassy up in this s***hole, but by unanimous decision we have decided that we need more DA WURST TA TREE in our holidays because, let’s face it folks, Christmas sucks. The people whose doors you banged on throughout Halloween night won’t look at you twice; nobody is feeling even the slightest bit generous (although they will give you the right to get the f*** out the way); and the only reason you have the obligatory large family dinner is to renew the unspoken...

A study released Thursday by the Cato Institute found that the Puget Sound Model United Nations team is doing more things more efficiently than the actual United Nations has ever done in its rich 168-year history. The study, which defined things as any action that could potentially affect people and efficiency as if things are actually completed, reviewed actions taken by the UN during multiple crises and compared them to our own Model UN team’s previous resolutions. “Every instance we found, Puget Sound was taking action whereas the actual UN...

SPO TRIP: Are you a Super Punny Outdoorsperson? Well then beefcakes have we got a trip for you. Wanna guess where we’re headed? CAPSLOCK MOUNTAIN CAPSLOCK MOUNTAIN ALL ABOARD FOR CAPSLOCK MOUNTAIN! BE AT THE TROLLFACE RAGESTATION AT 5:45 A.M. SHARP BECAUSE WE’RE GETTING OUT OF HERE LIKE EXCLAMOBANGS ON HOT CHEESE.   LOVENOTE FROM STUDENT’S POCKET: Hey ! You’re...uh...crap. I want to your face? This is probably not the best way to contact you. I hope this doesn’t end up on the Internet.   ALLITERATION CLUB: We’re wnot wmeeting...

Onlookers were mesmerized earlier this week by a wild Barred owl that has taken up residency on campus in the President’s Woods. This adorable creature, while majestic, is in actuality a revived corpse. The owl is part of an ongoing research project between the University’s Biology Department and the Slater Museum of Natural History. The two departments have discovered a means to reanimate this creature that was previously taxidermy. The experiments have been ongoing for the last 20 years, but only recently have breakthroughs been made. Scores of unknowing students...

An anonymous poll reinforces the campus authorities’ concern over students abusing drugs, shown today. A whopping 68 percent of students “consume some form of dietary supplement,” Detective Joe Parsons announces. “I mean, sure, you’ve got a lot of vegans and vegetarians that say they take supplements to get enough iron and other minerals that they aren’t getting from their dietary choices, but are they really?” Other skeptics also voiced their concerns, claiming that many students are in fact abusing iron, potassium and even calcium supplements in order to “stay healthy...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an act of bipartisanship unseen since the time of the great compromiser Henry Clay himself, democrats and republicans came together last Tuesday to pass a bill that will have six-year-old Jeffry Thomas, the boy seen on national news just that Monday questioning why Congress could not just come together and be friends like his kindergarten class,  stabbed to the fullest extent of the law by the end of the fiscal year. The bill, officially entitled The Stabbing Rights Act, outlines in 146 pages  how the fun-loving and energetic...

Q: What are some good dorm food options I should stock up on? A: Living on a college budget can be pretty difficult at times, so you’ll really want to make sure you’re getting a solid bang for your buck. Eating healthy is another concern. To address both issues and to find a good compromise, I recommend a few different options. You’ll want to buy spoiled milk, because grocers will usually sell it to you pretty cheap, and it’s a good source of anti-oxidants! You also don’t have to worry...