Combat Zone

After years of loyal service, Grizz T. Logger is no longer the mascot for the University of Puget Sound. In a campus-wide effort to promote a greater sense of authenticity in the Puget Sound community, veteran lumberjack Jim-Bob Gunther has replaced Grizz. “Mr. Gunther’s employment is the first step the University is taking to bring us into the 21st century,” said University spokesman Phil Moore at a recent press conference. “Also, having an anthropomorphic bear who chops trees for a mascot is ridiculous when we can hire an actual logger...

The campus community is breathing easy after it was revealed that yesterday’s lockdown was a false alarm. The alarm was started by a student who notified Security Services about a wild animal on campus. The animal turned out to be Al, an ordinary house cat. Sophomore Talia Dunn was walking to Anderson/Langdon from Wyatt when she saw the cat emerge from a shrub and pace towards her.  Alarmed, Talia immediately ran to the nearest campus emergency station and summoned Security, telling them that “some sort of furry predator” was stalking...

After three weeks into the semester, visiting professor Robin Hopkins has yet to distribute the syllabus for his Anthropology 250 course. While there has been some growing concern in the Dean’s office that perhaps the class is being mismanaged, Hopkins denies there is reason for such concern. “How the hell am I supposed to know what anthropology is? I’m doing the best I can here,” said Prof. Hopkins in an interview. “Even Wikipedia doesn’t have a damn clue.” So far, the class has consisted of screening several Will Smith movies....

The network LoggerLeaks has just revealed to the press audio files containing what analysts believe to be a conference between University President Ronald Thomas, Dean of Students Mike Segawa and at least two other school officials. The conference seems to be  centered on plans for moving the entire campus “closer to the real world that most people actually live in.” The following is a partial transcript of that conference: RONTHOM: All right, all right, settle down. We’ve got a lot to discuss. SEGAWA: Can I propose something? Any students that...

It’s the end of the semester, and that means a number of things for the Puget Sound community. Papers need to be written, tests need to be studied for and reading period needs to have at least two awesome parties. This year, however, sees the return of the infamous “Midnight Breakfast,” and I, for one, am outraged. Let me explain the ways that Midnight Breakfast is straight-up stupid. First and foremost, it’s breakfast at midnight. Not only is it a deliberate attempt to shock the students into thinking that eating...

The following incidents occurred on campus and were reported to Security Services between Nov. 23 and Nov. 28 •Two members of Campus Security, responding to a call, approached a campus-owned house on 12th and Alder that was believed to be occupied by a group known as “The Underground Christians,” a heavily-armed fundamentalist group that believed the apocalypse was imminent, following the relase of Adam Sandler’s latest romantic comedy.  Upon entering the house, the security guards discovered the bodies of all 57 members of the cult, victims of a mass suicide....

Throwing tradition to the wind, the producers of Ubiquitous They Sketch have reformatted their entire show, and the result is nothing short of brilliant. The experimental show, titled Ubiquitous They Presents: Poopy Pidgins  SHOW CANCELED was directed by no one, starred nobody, and was produced by Student Theater Productions. The intense comedic action, in many ways a tribute to Andy Kaufman’s anti-comedy acts and Samuel Beckett’s Theatre of the Absurd, played out entirely in the mind of the audience, which very surprisingly consisted solely of myself. One would have thought...