Combat Zone

Scorpio:  Oct 23 - Nov 21 You are deaf to your friends’ attempts to communicate. Hint: Take off the headphones. Sagittarius:  Nov 22 - Dec 21 You will either have a terrible dream or a terrible day. Regardless, getting someone to slap you only makes it worse. Capricorn:  Dec 22 - Jan 19 With the rings of Saturn spinning, everyone gets better-looking when you are drunk—except for you. Aquarius:  Jan 20 - Feb 18 If you keep making faces at that bitchy girl behind her back, your face will stay...

Ugly sweater party not a joke What do you think Taylor meant when he said, “Thanks for inviting me to your party, sorry I forgot to dress up”? Boys are sooo weird! Whatever - let’s get back to what we were talking about before: what did you guys get for 16 across? I got “pineapple”. Combat Zone writer graduates from West Point Amid congratulations and handshakes, the humorist claims it started out as a joke, “But there is nothing funny about war… Aw, who am I kidding, our military is...

Dear Love Attorney, I like a girl a lot and I want to write her a poem to win her over but I am borderline illiterate and apparently horrible at poetry. I hear you are a good poet. Do you have any tips for writing poetry, or better yet, any already-written love poems that I could read to her? From, Pablo Neurotic Dear Pablo, May I first say that you write very well for an illiterate, and illiteracy was never an excuse for being a bad poet. It never stopped...

32-year-old Sara Krat of Tacoma shocked the world on Thursday when she opened a pickle jar all by herself. The 110-pound, 5’4” female doesn’t know where the unprecedented amount of strength came from. Her amazing story began as she was making a sandwich for which she needed some pickles. “I took the still-sealed jar out of the fridge and, like usual, expected to struggle with the lid for a few minutes before calling my husband to open the jar for me. This time, though, something was different. I popped it...

The costume that sends a strong message about the importance of safe sex: NAME: The broken condom* HOW TO: Put a plastic bag over your head (The Trail is not responsible for any accidental suffocation that may occur) and cut a hole in it. *(Warning: It is impossible to achieve a Halloween Hook-Up wearing this costume.) The costume that comments on the horrors of daily existence as opposed to myth or fantasy: NAME: Public transportation. HOW TO: Turn a refrigerator box on its side and cut holes for windows. You...