Aries – Aries, it is time to finally attend to all the things you’ve forsaken for your love of dumpster diving. This is a time of self-examination for you. Start with the scalp, checking for lice, etc. and just work your way down until you figure out what is causing this horrible itchiness. And the other thing.
Taurus – This winter has been tough on you, dear Taurus, but be patient, you may soon be able to leave the house. In the middle of March, you may feel suddenly illuminated, as if by some blinding, immeasurable force from above. Please stay calm. That is the sun.
Gemini – You will be persuaded to make a large purchase in the near future. This purchase will lead to several other large purchases that will, in turn, lead to you owning an 18-wheeler with mudflaps that read “ice, ice baby” on them. Congratulations.
Cancer – Things are becoming clear now, Cancer–it’s the things you own that matter, not the people you are with. Write your initials on everything you own. They are a part of you now. Then write your initials on everything your roommate owns. Then accuse her of stealing and have her arrested, or at least expelled. Then play Wii Tennis by yourself.
Leo – You’ve felt suffocated lately and you need freedom from the forces restraining you. Don’t be afraid to throw tantrums, and push all of your friends and loved ones away. Watch as your life goals drain away in your tilted, impulsive quest for happiness. If that doesn’t work, try loosening your scarf. You look a little purple.
Virgo – All your hard work will pay off soon, but you must pass this final test. They will ask you to pee in a cup. You musn’t fill it with your own pee, but attain pee from someone innocent, like a child or someone who lives in the substance free dorm. Once you possess the golden goblet, all the glorious windows in the world will be open to you, except the ones in the second floor bathroom. Those don’t open for some reason.
Libra – Someone’s been plotting against you, Libra, you’ve felt it for some time. What are the odds that you would get a C on this assignment and a D on the last one, since you did them both the night before? Exactly. Drop out. Everybody is against you.
Scorpio – The object of your desires has been dwelling on the periphery, wary of your advances. Fear not. The key to your beloved’s heart is shaped like a stop sign, smells like a pot roast, sounds like a dingbat and feels like a fist full of mayonnaise. Simply give this to them and they will be yours. They might be vomiting, also.
Sagittarius – In your past life you very well may have been a Sorcerer. Decide to behave like one regardless. Nervously cast spells on strangers while wearing a buzzard skull around your neck. The fate of the world may very well be in your hands. Unless that is a piece of broccoli, which it does seem to be.
Capricorn – You have isolated yourself so much over the past few months that you feel completely cut off from the dating world. Get an OKCupid account and post pictures of you in your boxers in the bathroom mirror. Write your profile using only words in all caps and emoticons. True love is out there, Capricorn, and her name is JiggYpOo17.
Aquarius – Things become increasingly unclear to you as you read this horoscope, but don’t stop. Problems are like leaves, and you are like the gutter. Be careful you don’t slip and fall out of the ocean. And beware! The sharks are, like, tiger sharks.
Pisces – It is always best to be extremely mindful and cautious when moving through stages in one’s life. But when moving up in floors, in the library elevators, for instance, you can go ahead and just push the button. You’ve been standing there for like ten minutes.