Combat Zone

The very young men and women of Puquanashville, Washington are celebrating a key victory in the nationwide push for children’s suffrage. With the passage of H.R. 3575, children aged 4 to 12 were granted the right to vote. Bobby Monaghan, who submitted the bill, in crayon, to the city legislature, was so overwhelmed by the victory that he couldn’t even make a comment. Instead, he conducted a brief press conference from behind his mother’s skirt. Michelle Monaghan, his mother, relayed the boy’s joy at the liberation of his people. “Bobby...

As Puget Sound’s new Wetlands publication is dominating many students’ imaginations, not a whole lot of attention has been given to another new and sexual addition to the campus community. Starting Monday, the new Sexual Expeditionary, or SEXPY for short, will open in the basement of Kilworth Chapel, for the enjoyment and pleasure for whomever enters. Juniors Amanda Clammi and Rick Hardwell hope that the SEXPY will add positive contributions to sexual discussion and experimentation. “I’d even go as far as to say that we will end up being more...

My name is Eric Gunderson, and I have a broken wrist. Why do I have a broken wrist? Because there is an epidemic problem at Puget Sound: walkers. Not zombies, but people who walk to classes. If you’re wondering why this is a problem, there’s a good chance you’re one of them. Just yesterday I was on my way to French, minding by own business, zipping recklessly past people on my board. This one lady was just dragging along, right in the middle of the goddamn sidewalk. It was too...

A new, youthful Canadian phenomenon is taking Puget Sound by storm, and it’s not Justin Bieber. The University has recently become a primo destination in the new Canadian student itinerary that has become the most popular spring break activity across Western Canadian colleges. Known as “alco-tourism,” the trend was spawned by the lower drinking ages in Canada. Canadian students, bored with drinking’s legality, cross the U.S. borders in droves. They come to drink furtively in friends’ parents’ houses and dorm rooms, which are often supplied by upperclassmen that are unable...

It’s hard getting students involved in campus activities. Ask any hall Resident Assistant. “We’re always working against the apathy element,” said Lindsay Shamwow, T/P R.A. “We’ve got to come up with events that are fun and rewarding but can also fit into people’s schedules. And everyone is getting busier all the time. Promises of free pizza can only get us so far.” But last month, Todd/Phibbs amazed the campus community with its wildly successful “Stay in and Jerk Off” event. “I’m pretty sure 90% of T/P came,” said Lindsay. “We’re...

A spectre is haunting America: the spectre of passive aggression. Passive aggression has been acknowledged by all the powers as a power and the hour is ripe for us to openly, in the face of the world, publish our views, our aims, and our tendencies—but only if you want to as well. Passive Aggressors are by their nature REVOLUTIONARY. We can simultaneously pull guilt, anger and tact into a single sentence designed to slowly destroy the mind. I think it’s great how well we passive aggressors have done...I just always...

Suffering from TV fatigue? Have you watched so much Netflix that you’re beginning to see the red screen everywhere you go? Well, you’re S.O.L., because there’s a plethora of new programming to make sure that you won’t leave your house until the authorities have called off the search.   Sunday If you enjoy “The Simpsons” or “Family Guy,” then you’ll love Seth MacFarland’s “Dysfunctional Family.” Don’t worry if you’ve seen any of FOX’s other cartoons, you know the drill by now. There’s a mentally deficient dad with a wife WAY...

Last Tuesday, the Independent Tour Guide Association of America posted its annual review of Puget Sound’s campus tour program. The findings have proven an embarrassment to the university. It seems that an incredible 90% of what tour guides tell prospective students and their families is, in fact, complete horsecrap. The lies told to visiting families range widely, with the most common falsehood being “it’s not usually this rainy.” Other oft-told lies include “everyone’s probably studying,” and “I don’t smell any pot.” “There’s really not any incentive to be fact-checking everything...