Combat Zone

Ahhhhh...it has begun. Or, in the words of eminent philosopher and scholar J. Franco, “Spring break, spring break, spring break forevahhh....” Most agree that what happens over spring break stays there, and so in anticipation of your post-break closed-mouthedness, we at The Flail have decided to interview the few of us that are actually leaving Tacoma to get their story before the evidence disappears from Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, texts from Mom and university webmail accounts (we don’t actually know why you’d bother with Outlook Express over Spring Break; we’re just...

PORTLAND, OR—Yesterday burnout hippie Abe Sizzlebrook was found dead on the kitchen floor of his apartment with a slimy brown-orange kombucha monster attached to his face, like something straight out of a B-grade movie. Sizzlebrook’s friends tell us that he had been making an enormous vat of kombucha in order to share it with other volunteers at his local organic farm, so no one could have expected that it would be the death of him. Indeed, unbeknownst to anyone, the culture at the bottom of the mixture became so prominent...

Warning: #hashtag hex still in effect! The following hashies have been declared as UNSAFE for user consumption, prevarication, distillation, penetration:   #sciencefail - results in some form of atomic warfare. There really is no cure for the bomb. Goddammit.   #stonecoldsteveawesome - Your 1 tru fren. = ^_______________^ = May raid your linguistic closet for spare punctuation and f**k with the language settings on your laptop and phone so that everything is in Japanese.   #preach - gets you some bitchass butthead who follows you around for a week straight...

“House of Cards” is Netflix’s adaption of the 1990 British political thriller by the same name. However, “House of Cards” is no simple rehash of an old show; Netflix has improved upon the original and updated it for  modern audiences by replacing parliament with congress, the prime minister with the president, and restructuring the story to exactly follow Joe Biden’s rise to the vice presidency. While the series stays true to the British version’s themes of corruption and Machiavellian politics, I believe audiences will thoroughly enjoy the new but familiar...

While we all know the patriarchy is an oppressive, evil system that everyone has been brainwashed into supporting without realizing it, rarely do we realize how cute we are while promoting it’s terrible values. Even if you are not cute while marginalizing entire races and cultures, I bet you want to be! I know do. And I work hard to be freaking adorable and sexist at the same time! It’s a full time job. But I truly believe if we are going to be evil, we should at least be...

Lemmings, lemmings, lemmings. We have quite a predicament on our hands, and y'alls have been making shit worse for long enough. Let's talk about hashtags. Once upon a time, these small, free-spirited epiphenomz frolicked upon the bonny banks of octothorpe-land and took bubble baths in the backwaters of linguistic cognizance but because of YOU ASSHOLES and your nasty twitty-twanking Facebookery these lovely, endangered creatures are free no more, bound instead to a lifetime of punctuating your shittyass "ironic" statuses and Instagrams that no one gives a flying f**k about. And...

Expressing general concern over his GPA and scholastic future, freshman Erik Staton announced on Friday that he was unsure just how many sh**ty jokes he had to laugh at to get an A in his freshman seminar class. Erik’s seminar, which covers topics ranging from something outside his major to weird abstract concepts no freshman could really understand, is taught by Professor Nick Jones of the English Department, and is usually Erik’s least favorite class of the day. “I mean, usually he is a great teacher but every now and...

We at The Flail are getting all Christmassy up in this s***hole, but by unanimous decision we have decided that we need more DA WURST TA TREE in our holidays because, let’s face it folks, Christmas sucks. The people whose doors you banged on throughout Halloween night won’t look at you twice; nobody is feeling even the slightest bit generous (although they will give you the right to get the f*** out the way); and the only reason you have the obligatory large family dinner is to renew the unspoken...

A study released Thursday by the Cato Institute found that the Puget Sound Model United Nations team is doing more things more efficiently than the actual United Nations has ever done in its rich 168-year history. The study, which defined things as any action that could potentially affect people and efficiency as if things are actually completed, reviewed actions taken by the UN during multiple crises and compared them to our own Model UN team’s previous resolutions. “Every instance we found, Puget Sound was taking action whereas the actual UN...