Combat Zone

An anonymous poll reinforces the campus authorities’ concern over students abusing drugs, shown today. A whopping 68 percent of students “consume some form of dietary supplement,” Detective Joe Parsons announces. “I mean, sure, you’ve got a lot of vegans and vegetarians that say they take supplements to get enough iron and other minerals that they aren’t getting from their dietary choices, but are they really?” Other skeptics also voiced their concerns, claiming that many students are in fact abusing iron, potassium and even calcium supplements in order to “stay healthy...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an act of bipartisanship unseen since the time of the great compromiser Henry Clay himself, democrats and republicans came together last Tuesday to pass a bill that will have six-year-old Jeffry Thomas, the boy seen on national news just that Monday questioning why Congress could not just come together and be friends like his kindergarten class,  stabbed to the fullest extent of the law by the end of the fiscal year. The bill, officially entitled The Stabbing Rights Act, outlines in 146 pages  how the fun-loving and energetic...

Q: What are some good dorm food options I should stock up on? A: Living on a college budget can be pretty difficult at times, so you’ll really want to make sure you’re getting a solid bang for your buck. Eating healthy is another concern. To address both issues and to find a good compromise, I recommend a few different options. You’ll want to buy spoiled milk, because grocers will usually sell it to you pretty cheap, and it’s a good source of anti-oxidants! You also don’t have to worry...

By MR. BUTTFIST F ollowing a recent survey asking students what the next improvements made to campus should be, President Tonald Rhombus has unveiled plans for one long continuous lazy river to substitute the sidewalks between buildings. The announcement was, however, met with some controversy. Some students would prefer the river be filled with chocolate milk, instead of plain water, for example. Others would rather see buildings made with  gingerbread or professors made of taffy. “I’m glad my tuition is paying for this, instead of something useless like a better...

For Gulliver Granola, wearing Crocs is not just a fashion statement, but a way of life—I mean that literally, since he’s been eating only Croc soup for the past couple days. Insisting that I call him “Gull, just like the bird, bro,” the haggard man I see before me seems but a ghost of the zealous Croc champion my boss at The Flail had described to me. Later, I gathered (from the internet) that the bird he was referring to was in fact a “seagull.” Clever man. Surprised that no...

For those of us from the states with actual weather, falls in Washington are the Eeyores of what is otherwise a merry albeit blustery college adventure in the Hundred Acre Woods: there’s a lot of raining, there’s a lot of crying, there’s a lot of pooping and everything in your house breaks. But what you don’t know about is Washington’s long-standing tradition of the Hunt, one of this fine state’s many ways to combat the winter blues, the death of the sun and the annual influx of dumbasses into the...

This week’s relevant definition is relevant: “The Octobers” (n., tr. v., int. v., ppp) – when September 30th takes a giant dump in your esophagus and  nests there until Thanksgiving. Example: “Brofus 1: Dude y’alls dudussez, are ya coming curb-stomping with us? Brofus 2: Nah bro; I got a nasty case of the Octobers.” This week’s sage advice is sagacious (and also smells like thyme btw): Lissenapp dongpenguins! It’s 2013! Yeah! The time to don racist Halloween costumes is NOT NOW, NOT EVER, WAKE THE F*** UP PEOPLE. *CUE SEGUE...