Combat Zone


PORTLAND, OR—Yesterday burnout hippie Abe Sizzlebrook was found dead on the kitchen floor of his apartment with a slimy brown-orange kombucha monster attached to his face, like something straight out of a B-grade movie.

Sizzlebrook’s friends tell us that he had been making an enormous vat of kombucha in order to share it with other volunteers at his local organic farm, so no one could have expected that it would be the death of him.

Indeed, unbeknownst to anyone, the culture at the bottom of the mixture became so prominent that it began to sprout legs, eyes and a mouth−a horrible gaping maw which thirsted for nothing save for human flesh.

When we interviewed the Chief of Portland Police Department, Al Stankyleg, about the kombucha’s perplexing and seemingly miraculous mutation, he informed us that Sizzlebrook had a significant background in genetics so perhaps he had created the beast on purpose, which makes this mystery all the more unsettling.

The kombucha monster, now termed kombuchalis titanus by the scientific community, is currently being held by the military for biochemical weapons research.

ABUJA, NIGERIA—Last week, a remarkable achievement was made for the continent of Africa and for the world at large: World Peace was discovered at last.

According to the locals who found it in a prehistoric cave, World Peace is a small crystalline gem which radiates light from within, not unlike the Arkenstone from J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Hobbit.

The Nigerian administration intends to host an international celebration at the beginning of summer, which will primarily consist of getting drunk and reveling in the marvel that is World Peace…and hopefully not fighting to obtain it.