Combat Zone

A spectre is haunting America: the spectre of passive aggression. Passive aggression has been acknowledged by all the powers as a power and the hour is ripe for us to openly, in the face of the world, publish our views, our aims, and our tendencies—but only if you want to as well. Passive Aggressors are by their nature REVOLUTIONARY. We can simultaneously pull guilt, anger and tact into a single sentence designed to slowly destroy the mind. I think it’s great how well we passive aggressors have done...I just always...

Suffering from TV fatigue? Have you watched so much Netflix that you’re beginning to see the red screen everywhere you go? Well, you’re S.O.L., because there’s a plethora of new programming to make sure that you won’t leave your house until the authorities have called off the search.   Sunday If you enjoy “The Simpsons” or “Family Guy,” then you’ll love Seth MacFarland’s “Dysfunctional Family.” Don’t worry if you’ve seen any of FOX’s other cartoons, you know the drill by now. There’s a mentally deficient dad with a wife WAY...

Last Tuesday, the Independent Tour Guide Association of America posted its annual review of Puget Sound’s campus tour program. The findings have proven an embarrassment to the university. It seems that an incredible 90% of what tour guides tell prospective students and their families is, in fact, complete horsecrap. The lies told to visiting families range widely, with the most common falsehood being “it’s not usually this rainy.” Other oft-told lies include “everyone’s probably studying,” and “I don’t smell any pot.” “There’s really not any incentive to be fact-checking everything...

Scandal engulfed the campus community last week in wake of the revelation that Kelly James, star of Puget Sound’s Humanities department, has been using alcoholism to boost her skills as a writer. The shocking news broke days after the announcement that Kelly had won UPS’ semi-prestigious Writing Excellence Award. The Writing Excellence Award review board has voted unanimously to strip James of her award. Whether her grades in past writing classes will be called into question remains unknown. “The state of Ms. James’ academic record all depends on how long...

The day began like any other for senior Jerome Cohn. A few weeks ago, he woke up, crysterbated, then booted up his computer to check his email. To his shock and great joy, he had won the housing lottery. “I was so happy. I called my ma, I told her, I said, ‘WE DID IT, MA! I’M ON TOP OF THE WOOOOOOORRRRLLLDD.’” A senior taking an extra semester next year to finish his credits, Cohn’s class standing and a bit of good fortune had landed him the number-one position in...

Junior Rane Berisnt’s campaign for ASUPS president was floundering. A child of the isolated Luxembourgian aristocracy, he found it difficult to connect with his constituents in the Puget Sound student body. Though raised and schooled with the specific purpose of infiltrating an American liberal arts college in order to enhance Luxembourgian understanding of the American mindset, none of Rane’s ideas seemed to resonate with students. Then, Rane attended the Lucha Libre. Inspired by the awkward pacing, tinny music and harsh gym lighting, Rane decided to revamp his entire campaign. “Within...

It was an unseasonably sunny day for the University of Puget Sound, and freshman Edwin Rodgers was on his way to the library to study. Things were peaceful. He was happy. And it seemed as though nothing could bring him down. That is when he saw her. Bearing down on him, one nonchalant step at a time, was an attractive girl. Edwin’s caffeine-soaked mind sprang into action. He kind of maybe almost knew her. They had been at the same house party on Saturday. Her name was Alli... or perhaps...

By PIETER VAN DEFERENS “My penis is a mountain, silent and majestic,” announced senior Steve Johnson.  “My penis is a shining sword, a mighty tool, a monument.” “My penis is angry!” rejoined sophomore Chris Haardschaft.  “It is purple and aching and my balls, my balls, my balls, blue and swollen, how they cry out for freedom and release!” Such were the priapic odes of Puget Sound’s inaugural performance of  “The C*ck Talks” Friday night in Club Rendezvous.  The show drew a mix of criticism and praise from campus audiences, who...