Junior Rane Berisnt’s campaign for ASUPS president was floundering. A child of the isolated Luxembourgian aristocracy, he found it difficult to connect with his constituents in the Puget Sound student body.
Though raised and schooled with the specific purpose of infiltrating an American liberal arts college in order to enhance Luxembourgian understanding of the American mindset, none of Rane’s ideas seemed to resonate with students.
Then, Rane attended the Lucha Libre. Inspired by the awkward pacing, tinny music and harsh gym lighting, Rane decided to revamp his entire campaign.
“Within doze Lucher wrestlers I saw der possibility auf zee power in diversity,” said Rane in an interview. “And der enter-twinements mit our Mexican antecedents—Aztecs und Mayans und conquerers all—cause to germinate within me a new campaign angle.”
Rane continued, “An angle auf Cultüra Mek-zee-cana!”
Gone are the promises of free Quetschentaart and Gromperekichelcher. Rane promises the student body that if elected he will not rest until all ASUPS events draw their themes from Mexican culture. Among Rane’s many goals are to replace Midnight Breakfast with a two-day long festival celebrating the martyrdom San Juan de la Cruz de Guanajuato, patron saint of greasy potatoes; rename “Diversions” to “Diversiones,” and to force Campus Films to only play movies starring the late comedic actor Cantinflas.
“A uds. prometo una nueva epoca de libertad, de corrupción y de bureaucracia unnavigable!” announced Rane in German with Spanish subtitles, at the recent ASUPS presidential debates.
Dressed in suit and tie, and with his identity hidden behind a silver and purple luchador mask, Rane went on to tell the crowds of his campaign’s most revolutionary idea regarding club funding: “From day one I promise to suspend all funding to clubs who refuse to convert to a futbol club. Nnnnnn-GGGGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!”
With recent Trail polls putting him around 0.076484386 percent, an on-campus nickname of “that Bulgarian kid” and his family’s bodyguard as vice-president, Rane seems unlikely to win the election.
But as the Luxembourg proverb goes, “the blackbird always shits before she flies north,” and in defeat Rane has won on a much more important front: the fashion front.
Rane’s revolutionary ideas and choice of headwear have spawned a Luchador-mask craze on campus, which has startled several of geriatric dog walkers who frequent the campus and explains a drop in campus tours by prospective students.
“Well, at first we were kind of like—no,” said student and trendsetter Myra Hirschbaum, wearing a gold and emerald mask. “But then the Native American fad ran its route, and it’s still too cold for ‘Holocaust chic.’ Lucha-wear is a great in-between and it keeps your face super warm.”
When asked about his impact on Puget Sound politics and culture, Rane would have probably been modest, as he had been trained to be. Sadly, before he could take a follow-up interview Rane progressed so far into his Mexican identity that he was walking down 6th street dressed as a piñata when a group of well-intentioned ten-year olds beat him with sticks.
He is reported in stable condition at Swedish Medical Center.
PHOTO COURTESY/MAX HONCH
