Combat Zone

By MR. BUTTFIST F ollowing a recent survey asking students what the next improvements made to campus should be, President Tonald Rhombus has unveiled plans for one long continuous lazy river to substitute the sidewalks between buildings. The announcement was, however, met with some controversy. Some students would prefer the river be filled with chocolate milk, instead of plain water, for example. Others would rather see buildings made with  gingerbread or professors made of taffy. “I’m glad my tuition is paying for this, instead of something useless like a better...

For Gulliver Granola, wearing Crocs is not just a fashion statement, but a way of life—I mean that literally, since he’s been eating only Croc soup for the past couple days. Insisting that I call him “Gull, just like the bird, bro,” the haggard man I see before me seems but a ghost of the zealous Croc champion my boss at The Flail had described to me. Later, I gathered (from the internet) that the bird he was referring to was in fact a “seagull.” Clever man. Surprised that no...

For those of us from the states with actual weather, falls in Washington are the Eeyores of what is otherwise a merry albeit blustery college adventure in the Hundred Acre Woods: there’s a lot of raining, there’s a lot of crying, there’s a lot of pooping and everything in your house breaks. But what you don’t know about is Washington’s long-standing tradition of the Hunt, one of this fine state’s many ways to combat the winter blues, the death of the sun and the annual influx of dumbasses into the...

This week’s relevant definition is relevant: “The Octobers” (n., tr. v., int. v., ppp) – when September 30th takes a giant dump in your esophagus and  nests there until Thanksgiving. Example: “Brofus 1: Dude y’alls dudussez, are ya coming curb-stomping with us? Brofus 2: Nah bro; I got a nasty case of the Octobers.” This week’s sage advice is sagacious (and also smells like thyme btw): Lissenapp dongpenguins! It’s 2013! Yeah! The time to don racist Halloween costumes is NOT NOW, NOT EVER, WAKE THE F*** UP PEOPLE. *CUE SEGUE...

After guessing several times, friends of Puget Sound student Ashleigh Howard told Ashleigh and The Flail that while her costume was both creative and interesting, they had no idea she had dressed up for Halloween or anything at all. Citing reasons like her ironic personality, nonconformist attitude and love for Goodwill clothing, Ashleigh’s friends then went on to defend their position, stating that aesthetically there was no difference between Ashleigh walking to class in the morning and her Halloween costume of the popular Game of Thrones character Daenerys  Targaryen. “At...

By MR. BUTTFIST Aries: Due to the lining up of Mercury and Venus,  a stranger will unexpectedly enter your life, through a very unexpected way. He will most definitely crash his car into the side of your house at 3 a.m. on a Wednesday. Taurus: Surprise! You’re pregnant. Gemini: Too much partying could have you feeling a little under the weather. The food and drink may have been great, but today you’d better eat plain but nourishing food. You may not be inclined to exercise, but a brisk walk or...

By YOLO ONO After a week of voting and intense debate, students have officially elected their best friend, some cute person and a guy running unopposed to serve as their new ASUPS senators. While some worried the decision to exclude each candidate’s Facebook profile from the ballot might hurt  the election process, ASUPS announced on Monday they are confident the Puget Sound community chose  their close friends and the most popular people to serve as the leaders of all clubs, an undisclosed amount of our tuition and most major social...