This week’s relevant definition is relevant:
“The Octobers” (n., tr. v., int. v., ppp) – when September 30th takes a giant dump in your esophagus and nests there until Thanksgiving.
Example:
“Brofus 1: Dude y’alls dudussez, are ya coming curb-stomping with us?
Brofus 2: Nah bro; I got a nasty case of the Octobers.”
This week’s sage advice is sagacious (and also smells like thyme btw):
Lissenapp dongpenguins! It’s 2013! Yeah! The time to don racist Halloween costumes is NOT NOW, NOT EVER, WAKE THE F*** UP PEOPLE. *CUE SEGUE MUSIC* COSTUME IDEAS.
1. Slavoj Žižek
2. Dongpenguin
3. Uncle from Jackie Chan’s Adventures
4. The English Language
5. A bag of tea
6. Crashdump Blue Screen of Death
7. Girl from The Audition
8. Glitter-sh*tting squirrels
9. Coke Talk
10. Lou Reed
11. My Chemical Romance
12. Dementor
13. Pumpkin head
14. Nosferatu’s Heir, CEO of Vampire Fan-fiction Inc. and University of Puget Sound President, Tonald Rhombus
15. The Horned King from The Black Cauldron
16. The Sanderson Sisters
17. The Christ
18. Ron Swanson’s mustache
19. Wolfram Alpha
20. Post-constructionism
21. Feces
How to dress up, you ask?
1. Put on costume.
2. Wait oh shit I got a Pocahontas/Sugar Skull/Geisha costume….halp pls?
3. Read da Sage Advice!
4. Check for poop.
ENROLLING:
Self Defense Classes. Offerings in Sarcasm, Math, Belligerence, Aggression, Denial, Outright Stupidity, Sobbing Quietly in a Corner. Call today! 1-800-HOPENOPE.
BUY, SELL OR TRADE:
Stereotypes, Generalizations, Assumptions and All Sorts of Dumbass N00bf**kery. @ your local freshman writing seminar (we <3 u bbs keep trying)
WANTED:
That guy. No seriously, f*** him.
NOTICE:
NO LONGER ACCEPTING ADMISSIONS TO MURDER CLUB. (Seriously Ted Bundy STOP CALLING US! Even the Alumni Association doesn’t want your freaking money!)
WANTED:
For wrongful misappropriation of puns, your time and general insouciance: “The Vernicious Knid”. Reward $$$$. Contact: theflail.ups@gmail.com.
WANTED:
U smell, ur clothes suck and ur mama dresses u funny. Lemme luv ur insecurities. Contact: lovehurtsdonut@gmail.com.
LOST:
Imperthnthnthn thnthnthns. Bronze by gold, steelyringing. Jingle. Bloo. Clap clap. Clappyclap. Contact: sad_panda_leopold@sirens.com
ADVERTISEMENT:
Party Entertainer. Strip teases by the half-hour. No bangings, fangings or hangings. Contact: 253-879-HALLOWEENIE
EVICTION NOTICE. DATE POSTED: 11/01/1613:
FOR: Sucking the lives out of all the little chillens.
LOVE, the People with the buckled shoes and funny hats who never bathe.
VIRGINS BEWARE!
THIS WEEK IN THEORETICAL BASEBALL:
The Hegemons vs. the Other.
All errors will be tallied in the footnotes, endnotes, side notes, swiped notes, stolen notes, grace notes and in between parentheses. No strikes, no timeouts, no pitcher’s mound conferences. EVERYONE WINS (NO ONE WINS!)
LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT FOR THE FALL OF 2013: Goodbye leaves. Goodbye trees. Goodbye insults below the knees. Goodbye sun. Goodbye light. Goodbye balmy nights. Goodbye gloam. Goodbye thrush. Goodbye nobody. Goodbye mushy remains of my term paper (sorrybouttit). And goodbye to all those optimists whispering, “F*** THAT NOISE LEZ PARTY LAIK IT’S GOING OUTTA STYLE.” Goodbye baseball. Goodbye fall. The world is ending. And I’ve run out of alc*h*l.
This broadcast was brought to you by your adoring, awesome Khaleesi,
Vernicious Knid