Combat Zone

In a spooky revelation that has shocked the campus community, sources have finally confirmed that the fabled ghost of Wyatt is actually pale student Jessica Walters. The announcement came after a three year study that followed the ghost during her time in Wyatt, noting its location, habits and the occasional small banter with other classmates. “At first we thought that there actually was a ghost in Wyatt. The ghost had class from 8-12, then would disappear, and come back for gender studies from 1-2. Once we started recognizing these patterns...

Most students who visit here, the author included, are taken aback by the great effort that goes into the upkeep of the grounds here at Puget Sound. Indeed, even now after being here a few years, I still find myself marveling at our lush fields of evenly cut grass and perfectly manicured pines. Unfortunately for our grounds keepers and the school treasury, this was not the case with one Johan Dietrich, a prospective student who toured campus earlier this week. Johan Dietrich, a prospective student from Middledale High School in...

Henry Bishonen, once a super cute freshman by all accounts, has been acting rather strangely of late. Whenever a girl smiles or waves at him during class, he lets out an exasperated gasp as his nose unleashes an epic stream of blood. Then he runs out of the room screaming what sounds like, “Hazukashii!!!” The word, meaning “shame or embarrassment” in Japanese, really should not be part of his vocabulary, considering the fact that he’d never spoken a lick of Japanese in his life prior to this last week. He...

Ida Dunn-Moore needs to step up her coffee game. Everyone is thankful for the space she provides, but the quality of the coffee is inconsistent. Sure, its fun to hang out with her, but she doesn’t own 20 different flavors of syrup, she can’t grind her own espresso, pull a shot, foam milk and mix drinks, all while juggling 10 other tasks in the busiest coffee shop on campus. I mean, really, she’s not even a coffee shop! I’ve had a lot of good coffee. Unfortunately, I can count on...

After several hours of grueling Flail meetings and multiple rejected drafts on countless topics, this reporter decided last Sunday that everything currently happening on campus is simply too sensitive to productively satirize. While satire can often be used to call out flaws with the status quo, poke holes in an argument and even make an interesting and thought-provoking comment on current affairs, the issues currently facing the University of Fuggit Noise are emotionally charged, difficult and generally should not be discussed in the fake news section of the student newspaper...

This coming fall, students who are locked out of their rooms will face a new dilemma when trying to regain entry. Whether they will be able to or not will depend entirely upon their cumulative G.P.A. Security Services has decided to implement their new system partially because of complaints made by the student body over the past several years. The complaints themselves centered around the frustrations faced by many when they become locked out of their on-campus residencies. John Miller, a freshman, complained, “I got locked out of my room...

Tardy Marks was a promising young candidate for a partnership at Marks & Martians, her brother-in-law’s company, which has earned considerable renown for its dedication to “Eating A Lot of Cake.” In fact, Judge Smithers was heard to comment, “Marks & Martians Yeeeeee! I love those dudes! Every time they come in for a pre-hearing briefing it’s like Cake Day in Court. I can practically smell the frosting from my office window.” Now back to Marks. After earning a degree in law through Puget Sound’s now-defunct law program, she went...

A lonely janitor sweeps through Thompson Hall for the third time that day, more out of habit rather than out of necessity, as no one else has walked through the empty corridors in days. The entire campus is barren; not a soul is in sight. What came to the Puget Sound campus and took everyone away? The answer is simple: 2048. The game is a simple one, with the objective being adding up to the number 2048. Simple enough, yet the game contains a certain appeal, one that draws people...

Professor James W. Snipes was surprised to find a student walking into class with a cane in one hand and a tattered leather-bound copy of Paradise Lost in his other this Monday. We sought out Snipes and asked him about the mysterious student, to which he replied, “I’ve never seen anything like it—I can’t even remember the student’s name because he never spoke in class before but now he goes by John, acts blind, rambles about Charles I and asks any nearby female to transcribe his visions about God and...

The mobile app Snapchat has grown greatly in popularity since its release on the Apple App store in 2011. The app allows its users to send pictures and videos to their friends for a maximum of 10 seconds, and then deletes the message after it is sent. Since its embrace by the general public, the app has revolutionized the sharing of funny and informative pictures and videos. AND NOTHING ELSE. This will all soon change after the recent press conference from Snapchat CEO Gnu Dipique. In a much anticipated event...

The time has come to profile the senior theses of the Class of 2014. The reason that this article is being printed now, as opposed to January, February or March when the theses should have been completed, is because most seniors (by the time Spring semester rolls around, at least) turn into cagey little boogers more worried about fulfilling the necessary amount of appearances at Machoo-choo’s on Thursday nights, reviving their non-existent careers... And of course, where the hell do we stuff Aunt Sharon so she doesn’t get out during...