Combat Zone

After three weeks into the semester, visiting professor Robin Hopkins has yet to distribute the syllabus for his Anthropology 250 course. While there has been some growing concern in the Dean’s office that perhaps the class is being mismanaged, Hopkins denies there is reason for such concern. “How the hell am I supposed to know what anthropology is? I’m doing the best I can here,” said Prof. Hopkins in an interview. “Even Wikipedia doesn’t have a damn clue.” So far, the class has consisted of screening several Will Smith movies....

The network LoggerLeaks has just revealed to the press audio files containing what analysts believe to be a conference between University President Ronald Thomas, Dean of Students Mike Segawa and at least two other school officials. The conference seems to be  centered on plans for moving the entire campus “closer to the real world that most people actually live in.” The following is a partial transcript of that conference: RONTHOM: All right, all right, settle down. We’ve got a lot to discuss. SEGAWA: Can I propose something? Any students that...

It’s the end of the semester, and that means a number of things for the Puget Sound community. Papers need to be written, tests need to be studied for and reading period needs to have at least two awesome parties. This year, however, sees the return of the infamous “Midnight Breakfast,” and I, for one, am outraged. Let me explain the ways that Midnight Breakfast is straight-up stupid. First and foremost, it’s breakfast at midnight. Not only is it a deliberate attempt to shock the students into thinking that eating...

The following incidents occurred on campus and were reported to Security Services between Nov. 23 and Nov. 28 •Two members of Campus Security, responding to a call, approached a campus-owned house on 12th and Alder that was believed to be occupied by a group known as “The Underground Christians,” a heavily-armed fundamentalist group that believed the apocalypse was imminent, following the relase of Adam Sandler’s latest romantic comedy.  Upon entering the house, the security guards discovered the bodies of all 57 members of the cult, victims of a mass suicide....

Throwing tradition to the wind, the producers of Ubiquitous They Sketch have reformatted their entire show, and the result is nothing short of brilliant. The experimental show, titled Ubiquitous They Presents: Poopy Pidgins  SHOW CANCELED was directed by no one, starred nobody, and was produced by Student Theater Productions. The intense comedic action, in many ways a tribute to Andy Kaufman’s anti-comedy acts and Samuel Beckett’s Theatre of the Absurd, played out entirely in the mind of the audience, which very surprisingly consisted solely of myself. One would have thought...

With the recent controversy and horror surrounding the child abuse at the hands of former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky and the alleged subsequent cover-up by Penn State officials still in the headlines, there is a fresh new terror that has Penn State students rioting in the streets: ASUPS has cut the Ski Team’s budget for the forthcoming winter season. “It’s completely stupid and irresponsible how their student government could do something so terrible to that school. This is just a natural response,” junior Jacob Marshall said, amidst downed light posts...

Dear Love Attorney, My husband and I are having some trouble with our sex talk. We’ve tried everything: robot voices, other languages, strings of four letter words interjected with ‘my’ and ‘your’. It all falls flat. The sex is fine, but smut talk just really turns me on. Can you recommend a remedy for our boring old dirty talk? From, Sick of Clean Talk   Dear Clean Talk, In my Viennese law school days, my reading group and I would celebrate the Roman god Bacchus every week by stripping down...