Snow forces student to turn to cannibalism
In the first week of the spring semester, winter came upon Tacoma with unprecedented vigor, depositing more than four inches of the fluffy white stuff.
Snowball fights were fought. A massive snowman was erected and then sacrificed beside Todd Field. The school even cancelled classes, unleashing a rare double snow day. For most of Puget Sound’s population, the snow days served as a much-needed chance to unwind from the crippling stress of listening to professors read class syllabi.
But for the residents of 1452 N. Alder, the storm meant tragedy.
Sarah Donner recalls the morning of the first snow day vividly. Like everyone else on campus, she awoke to a white world and a notification that classes had been cancelled. She and her housemates were initially ecstatic, but their enthusiasm was quickly extinguished when they realized that they were trapped inside their house.
Donner and her housemates, all natives of southern California, were woefully ill-equipped to deal with inches upon inches of powder.
No one had a car with four-wheel drive. Having long ago traded all their pants for butt-hugging leggings, they were entirely unsuited to bear the elements on foot. Any attempt to contact the neighbors for help was deemed too awkward.
“I mean, we didn’t really know anyone on our block,” Donner said in an interview. “So, you know, what choice did we have?”
The only choice, it seems, was a brutal struggle for survival. In a horrific testament to the indomitable human spirit, Donner killed and ate her housemates.
Using only a hammer, an ice cream scoop and water-based lubricant, Donner managed to combine all of her housemates into a stew on Thursday evening. They were seasoned with a cup of Lowry’s and slow-cooked over a low flame.
Donner said she is deeply saddened by the loss of her friends, but added that “those bitches were delicious.” Investigators are trying to ascertain how Donner knew so much about cooking a tasty human.
Donner is currently in Tacoma police custody. No charges have been filed yet. Incredibly, she may be protected under the Tacoma Winter Contingency Act of 1930, which states that city residents may fight to the death to feed themselves in the event of a catastrophic blizzard.
When asked to comment, TCPD chief Carl Perkins said “It’s f***ed up. But it’s pretty metal, too.”
The campus community is reeling from the grisly story of Sarah Donner’s survival. CHWS held a memorial service in Kilworth Chapel on Saturday, where friends of the victims enjoyed the leftovers of the stew.
“They were sweet, savory women, and I’ll miss them terribly,” said one well-wisher as she finished her second bowl. “The good ones are always the first to go.”