Combat Zone

By Jayli Helekahi   With Halloween fast approaching, eerie and strange creatures have already been seen. Speculation about a cult brewing grows stronger as strange individuals are spotted at multiple thrift stores. Said individuals dress themselves in similarly baggy clothes with identical red cloaks covering their faces. On the back of each one, a name is written in bold letters: “DEPOP.” These mysterious people call themselves “resellers” and are proving to cause disruption to the community.    Thrift store owners find their racks raided and ransacked by resellers, leaving nothing left for...

By ANNA DERY   The Logger of today finds themself in a once-in-a-lifetime (or something like that) event: the search for a new President at the University of Puget Sound.    The whole process is very mysterious. But here on The Trail, we are dedicated to the truth and have launched into a diligent investigative journalism campaign to bring you this story.    First, we did some polling with current students to understand what they are looking for in their future president.   One student said someone with experience is their top priority, with...

By Maximo Wiese    In light of the recent string of untimely deaths of liberal icons such as Dolly Parton and Tim Curry, The Trail decided to investigate the possible cause of these tragic events. The evidence all pointed in one direction: a slew of online requests for Etsy witches to curse conservative political figures and internet grifters backfiring.    One witch, operating under the username @HexTheHegemony, has temporarily suspended the sale of her specialty political curses after a series of spells began producing “devastating, karmic, and unfortunate” results. She began selling...

By Sophie Goble   One curious critter, beloved by all Washingtonians and animal lovers alike, was spotted leaving his Seattle neighborhood this past weekend. Jimothy the raccoon, known for his small stature, rose to fame this past summer after a video of him was posted on Instagram. Now, his whereabouts are tracked closely.  9:00 a.m.   The Tacoma News Tribune reported via X that Jimothy was spotted on Pierce County Transit security cameras deboarding the 594 bus coming from Seattle, arriving in Grit City at the Tacoma Dome station. Half an hour...

Jimmy Kimmel’s Reinstatement Gives Hope to Mediocre White Male Comedians Everywhere Alarming New Report Suggests that Silk Sonic’s Music Insufficient to Curb Falling Birth Rates Pierce County Candidate John McCarthy Could Not Have Picked Worse Last Name to Run For Office National Guard Members Deployed to Portland Immediately Subsumed into Collaborative Resin Art Polycule Pope Leo Threatens to Send Exorcist to White House Following Trump’s War on Chicago Trump Spends Seven Months With Elon Musk; Now Feels Need to Eradicate Autism Due to Research Funding Cuts, We May Never Know...

Original public domain image from Flickr Fearless. Sprightly. Youthful. These are all words that effortlessly slip from the tongue as we bear witness to our President’s health journey. As many would say, “not all heroes wear capes.” Well, ours sure deserves one. President Donald Trump has not only been fighting a war with Iran, but has also been bravely fighting one within his own immune system, and we are certain he will conquer this illness just as he conquered that conflict. Trump has made consistent efforts to downplay his illness...