By Maximo Wiese
In light of the recent string of untimely deaths of liberal icons such as Dolly Parton and Tim Curry, The Trail decided to investigate the possible cause of these tragic events. The evidence all pointed in one direction: a slew of online requests for Etsy witches to curse conservative political figures and internet grifters backfiring.
One witch, operating under the username @HexTheHegemony, has temporarily suspended the sale of her specialty political curses after a series of spells began producing “devastating, karmic, and unfortunate” results. She began selling $45 political curses after receiving numerous requests from customers hoping to inconvenience and sabotage conservative influencers, public figures and other media personalities.
“I thought I had found the perfect balance between political activism and capitalism,” the witch said in an interview. “People wanted curses, and I had bills to pay.”
Things seemed to be operating smoothly until the first curse backfired.
Instead of affecting the intended targets, the curse allegedly resulted in the deaths of beloved liberal and LGBTQ+ icons, including actor Tim Curry and singer Dolly Parton.
The witch said she had “triple-checked the target” and assured us she used the correct herbs, crystals, moon phase, everything. Then she received news that the two icons had died and she knew “something was terribly wrong.”
Soon after, customers began demanding refunds.
“I paid $45 to curse a grifter,” one customer said. “I did not include anything about Dolly Parton.”
Initially, the witch claimed that there must have been an instructional error in her spellbook. But after performing a divination ritual, she told us she had discovered a “vindictive digital energy floating in the ether.”
Further investigation led us to a witch operating under the username @WitchPlease! who told us that she had been one of the witches to curse Charlie Kirk before his death a couple of days later and that, after communicating with spirits, she discovered that his spirit is active and has become trapped inside artificial intelligence.
“He’s haunting the algorithm,” she explained.
AI researchers have not confirmed whether a human spirit can reside in algorithms, as there is no science or technology to detect them, but the witch remains convinced.
“Once I discovered his spirit there, I tried to perform an exorcism, but my phone sent me a Gemini image of Charlie Kirk being born as a suspiciously dolphin-shaped newborn,” she told us. “I’m still not sure what it means.”
After further digging, the witch told us the spirits had led her to Kirk’s spirit running its own Etsy shop under the username @TurningPointAfterlife, selling digital prayer candles, downloadable “liberal-owning” memes, and $15.99 conservative talking points from beyond the grave.
The witch community’s problems have further developed now that Etsy has begun cracking down on spellcasting shops. Although Etsy has prohibited the sale of metaphysical services since 2015, the recent surge in removals and shop closures has led to some comparing it to a modern witch hunt.
“I haven’t seen a witch hunt this aggressive since Salem,” another witch said under the username @HexAppeal. “We might even have it worse. I bet Puritans didn’t have to deal with a 6.5 percent transaction fee.”
Etsy officials have declined to comment on the supernatural activity occurring within their site, but reiterated that all sellers must comply with their policies on handmade goods.