By ANNA DERY
The Logger of today finds themself in a once-in-a-lifetime (or something like that) event: the search for a new President at the University of Puget Sound.
The whole process is very mysterious. But here on The Trail, we are dedicated to the truth and have launched into a diligent investigative journalism campaign to bring you this story.
First, we did some polling with current students to understand what they are looking for in their future president.
One student said someone with experience is their top priority, with a strict minimum age of 85 years old, adding, “I hear Joe Biden is out of a job.”
Another student, who remains anonymous, said, “Asian. We need someone to stop the Wok Station because it isn’t really Asian.” This same student also said, “Lesbian,” then sang, “How can I be homophobic, my President’s gay.” And that was it.
Another student, when asked this question, had visible tears in his eyes: “I want someone who can do something, anything, about the Wi-Fi on campus.”
Archie Kerr volunteered himself.
The Young Republicans Club has nominated Derek Kilmer.
A campus favorite mentioned multiple times was Yong Mi, with multiple students saying, “She knows the school better than anyone.” We asked if she was going to consider entering the running; she said, “Thank you. Next. Have a good day.”
The AI in Human Values minor nominated Gemini to streamline the administration, and Dr. John Johnson has nominated Ron Ronson. Another student broke these more predictable responses with, “I don’t want a president; I want a monarch. Let’s go back to our Methodist roots and have some ordained clergy.”
Though some may hold reservations about this comment, note that the Methodist Church officially supports LGBTQ+ individuals, so it might be a better fit for the average Puget Sound student anyways.
After hearing this wide variety of requests, how can a presidential search committee actually find someone who encompasses all these important qualities?
You want to know, and so do we. All this polling took a long time, and your diligent reporter is feeling tired. Stay tuned for the next Trail issue to know what I experienced as I embarked on an intense on-the-ground embedded investigative reporting.