Combat Zone

By Emmet O’Connor   The world seems to be going wonky. Whether it is abnormal weather, the decaying state or international plagues, something seems out of whack. For many university students, the upcoming end of the world does signal one thing: an end to student loans.    If the world does descend into a fiery hellscape, there will be some comfort in the fact that no one will have to fill out a FAFSA application again.. One student that was approached said “it would be nice to not have to pay...

By Molly Clement  The World Health Organization has recently released alarming reports surrounding a deadly new epidemic: bowling. Scientists around the world are calling bowling the new smoking. Here's what you need to know. Using borrowed bowling shoes is rapidly spreading foot fungus, athletes foot, trench foot, and other unimaginable skin deformities. Bowling causes sped up decay of the muscles by 30%, as well as the bones and skin by 10%. Bowling balls have begun to transmit these diseases. Putting your fingers in the same holes as others is not...

By Ishaan Gollamudi  Cannons rang out in the night air of September 25, 2024, as undergraduate members of the Pacific Lutheran University (PLU)  ROTC marched down Commencement Walkway, intending to depose the current student government of the University of Puget Sound. The Trail later confirmed that this cannonfire was simulated for the benefit of the students rehearsing Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture in the Music Building; the actual overthrow of the Associated Students of the University of Puget Sound (ASUPS), was entirely bloodless. In fact, although this military incursion was intended to...

By Grizz T. Logger The Combat Zone is intended as a satirical work. The views and opinions expressed by the Combat Zone do not necessarily reflect those of the Puget Sound Trail, ASUPS, concerned parties or the University of Puget Sound. Please submit compliments or complaints in the form of letters to the editor.    I really mean it this time. I meant it last time too, a year ago, but now the time is right. Along with the class of 2024, I will soon be gone. Originally, I intended to...

By Ishaan al-Ghaib   Unsurprising to nearly everyone on campus, the recent endowment breakdown provided by the Puget Sound administration contained no information whatsoever. Our own compositional analysis further confirmed that any traces of substance were likely contaminants, as the administration is concurrently handling the substantial gentrification of the SUB. However, this email is still in contention for the title of “Most Meaningless Public Broadcast of the Year,” alongside @upsmissedconnections’s posts praising the music tastes of Divs and Opp employees, and all of Joe Biden’s condemnations of Benjamin Netanyahu. Hence, our...

By High Priest Mac Farfalle of the Vermicillical Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster   Friends, believers, and heathens: rejoice! The Alabama Supreme Court has ruled on the side of the good and just in granting personhood to embryos produced through in-vitro fertilization, and has won the good favor of the Vermicillical Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Unlike the mainstream, all but secular Pastafarians – with their loose and liberal interpretations of the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster – we read His Holy Noodly Word as it was meant...