Combat Zone

Plagiarism rates reach epidemic levels as finals approach

Students may feel pressured to complete papers well and quickly, and with the accessibility of new technology (the internet) students can plagiarize by copying and pasting information from other sources. This is easily detected by teachers for several reasons. First, students' choices of sources are frequently unoriginal; instructors may receive the same passage copied from a popular source from several students. Second, it is often easy to tell whether a student used his or her own "voice." Third, students may choose sources which are inappropriate, inaccurate or off-topic. Murray is...
Combat Zone

Drylands: “Rid thy S.U.B. of these phallic junglefruit at once!”

Everyone goes to the S.U.B. Though its selection inevitably wears thin, it’s the most convenient way to get your hands on tasty burgers, fresh salads and moral corruption. Wait, what? Last week, the S.U.B.’s threat to the moral character of Puget Sound students became clear. Nigel Bixby, Editor-in-Chief of the sexually repressive Drylands magazine, called on Dining and Conference Services to pull bananas from the menu, citing their “immense potential for obscene expression.” According to Bixby and the members of Drylands, bananas are too useful as a penis proxy. “These...
Combat Zone

Children gain suffrage

The very young men and women of Puquanashville, Washington are celebrating a key victory in the nationwide push for children’s suffrage. With the passage of H.R. 3575, children aged 4 to 12 were granted the right to vote. Bobby Monaghan, who submitted the bill, in crayon, to the city legislature, was so overwhelmed by the victory that he couldn’t even make a comment. Instead, he conducted a brief press conference from behind his mother’s skirt. Michelle Monaghan, his mother, relayed the boy’s joy at the liberation of his people. “Bobby...
Combat Zone

Record attendance at T/P “Stay In and Jerk Off” dorm event

It’s hard getting students involved in campus activities. Ask any hall Resident Assistant. “We’re always working against the apathy element,” said Lindsay Shamwow, T/P R.A. “We’ve got to come up with events that are fun and rewarding but can also fit into people’s schedules. And everyone is getting busier all the time. Promises of free pizza can only get us so far.” But last month, Todd/Phibbs amazed the campus community with its wildly successful “Stay in and Jerk Off” event. “I’m pretty sure 90% of T/P came,” said Lindsay. “We’re...
Combat Zone

Tour guides 90% “full of crap”

Last Tuesday, the Independent Tour Guide Association of America posted its annual review of Puget Sound’s campus tour program. The findings have proven an embarrassment to the university. It seems that an incredible 90% of what tour guides tell prospective students and their families is, in fact, complete horsecrap. The lies told to visiting families range widely, with the most common falsehood being “it’s not usually this rainy.” Other oft-told lies include “everyone’s probably studying,” and “I don’t smell any pot.” “There’s really not any incentive to be fact-checking everything...
Combat Zone

Essay contest winner disqualified for performance-enhancing alcoholism

Scandal engulfed the campus community last week in wake of the revelation that Kelly James, star of Puget Sound’s Humanities department, has been using alcoholism to boost her skills as a writer. The shocking news broke days after the announcement that Kelly had won UPS’ semi-prestigious Writing Excellence Award. The Writing Excellence Award review board has voted unanimously to strip James of her award. Whether her grades in past writing classes will be called into question remains unknown. “The state of Ms. James’ academic record all depends on how long...
Combat Zone

Shy guy hospitalized after eye contact

It was an unseasonably sunny day for the University of Puget Sound, and freshman Edwin Rodgers was on his way to the library to study. Things were peaceful. He was happy. And it seemed as though nothing could bring him down. That is when he saw her. Bearing down on him, one nonchalant step at a time, was an attractive girl. Edwin’s caffeine-soaked mind sprang into action. He kind of maybe almost knew her. They had been at the same house party on Saturday. Her name was Alli... or perhaps...
Combat Zone

Victim not that lucky to be alive, just unlucky to lose legs

When George Robertson woke up, he didn’t know where he was. He had no sense of how long he’d been unconscious, and he couldn’t feel his legs. Fighting panic, he called out, and a doctor informed him that he was, in fact, in St. Joseph medical center. “You’re lucky to be alive,” the doctor told him. This news was heartening to George. “When the docs started talking about how lucky I was, I figured something awesome had happened. Like, I dunno, maybe they gave me a robot hand or something....
Combat Zone

Drinking game sleuths unmask serial killer

Tacoma police announced the apprehension of 32-year-old Lance Boyle on Wednesday. The arrest came after a game of “Never Have I Ever,” in which Boyle confessed to being the serial killer known as the South Sound Jerker. The Jerker, who has terrorized the greater Puget Sound area for the last 10 years, rose to infamy as the only killer to use a dildo as a lethal weapon. His years of activity left a trail of nearly 50 victims. Those who were not killed were left confused and rather embarrassed. “I...
Combat Zone

Peace pipe ceremony botched; campus cursed to darkness

All of Tacoma was plunged into darkness on Monday. Temperatures dropped and loggers bundled up as the sun disappeared entirely. All evidence points to a long, damp and dark winter. We have been cursed. We won’t see the light of day for the rest of the school year. And it’s all Joey Duckess’ fault. Joey thought it would be cool to buy a bag of assorted herbs from a barefoot mountain man he met while slacklining. After selling Joey the herbs, the supposed mountain man gave Joey instructions on the...
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