Combat Zone

Ida Dunn-Moore needs to step up her coffee game. Everyone is thankful for the space she provides, but the quality of the coffee is inconsistent. Sure, its fun to hang out with her, but she doesn’t own 20 different flavors of syrup, she can’t grind her own espresso, pull a shot, foam milk and mix drinks, all while juggling 10 other tasks in the busiest coffee shop on campus. I mean, really, she’s not even a coffee shop! I’ve had a lot of good coffee. Unfortunately, I can count on...

After several hours of grueling Flail meetings and multiple rejected drafts on countless topics, this reporter decided last Sunday that everything currently happening on campus is simply too sensitive to productively satirize. While satire can often be used to call out flaws with the status quo, poke holes in an argument and even make an interesting and thought-provoking comment on current affairs, the issues currently facing the University of Fuggit Noise are emotionally charged, difficult and generally should not be discussed in the fake news section of the student newspaper...

This coming fall, students who are locked out of their rooms will face a new dilemma when trying to regain entry. Whether they will be able to or not will depend entirely upon their cumulative G.P.A. Security Services has decided to implement their new system partially because of complaints made by the student body over the past several years. The complaints themselves centered around the frustrations faced by many when they become locked out of their on-campus residencies. John Miller, a freshman, complained, “I got locked out of my room...

Tardy Marks was a promising young candidate for a partnership at Marks & Martians, her brother-in-law’s company, which has earned considerable renown for its dedication to “Eating A Lot of Cake.” In fact, Judge Smithers was heard to comment, “Marks & Martians Yeeeeee! I love those dudes! Every time they come in for a pre-hearing briefing it’s like Cake Day in Court. I can practically smell the frosting from my office window.” Now back to Marks. After earning a degree in law through Puget Sound’s now-defunct law program, she went...

A lonely janitor sweeps through Thompson Hall for the third time that day, more out of habit rather than out of necessity, as no one else has walked through the empty corridors in days. The entire campus is barren; not a soul is in sight. What came to the Puget Sound campus and took everyone away? The answer is simple: 2048. The game is a simple one, with the objective being adding up to the number 2048. Simple enough, yet the game contains a certain appeal, one that draws people...

Professor James W. Snipes was surprised to find a student walking into class with a cane in one hand and a tattered leather-bound copy of Paradise Lost in his other this Monday. We sought out Snipes and asked him about the mysterious student, to which he replied, “I’ve never seen anything like it—I can’t even remember the student’s name because he never spoke in class before but now he goes by John, acts blind, rambles about Charles I and asks any nearby female to transcribe his visions about God and...

The mobile app Snapchat has grown greatly in popularity since its release on the Apple App store in 2011. The app allows its users to send pictures and videos to their friends for a maximum of 10 seconds, and then deletes the message after it is sent. Since its embrace by the general public, the app has revolutionized the sharing of funny and informative pictures and videos. AND NOTHING ELSE. This will all soon change after the recent press conference from Snapchat CEO Gnu Dipique. In a much anticipated event...

The time has come to profile the senior theses of the Class of 2014. The reason that this article is being printed now, as opposed to January, February or March when the theses should have been completed, is because most seniors (by the time Spring semester rolls around, at least) turn into cagey little boogers more worried about fulfilling the necessary amount of appearances at Machoo-choo’s on Thursday nights, reviving their non-existent careers... And of course, where the hell do we stuff Aunt Sharon so she doesn’t get out during...

In an effort to promote diversity and inclusivity, local fraternity Lamda Lamda Lamda announced Monday that their next dance party will objectify every single person in attendance. The announcement shocked the campus as Lamda President Jay Cushon promised the student body anyone attending Lamda’s dance party on the 15th will feel used, uncomfortable and offended. “We are always trying to find more ways to be inclusive,” Cushon told The Flail. “That’s why we promise, if you come to our party, you are going to be objectified, no matter your race...

In a shocking declaration that has shaken the  fragile social structure of Stadium High school, sources in Mr. Bryant’s 3rd period study hall reported last Friday that Jessica Lassiter will date jocks, goths or just about anyone as long as the relationship forms organically. In the wake of the devastating revelation, students have been left puzzled and panicked as they speculate what the hell organic means. “Most people here think organic means a friendship has to be formed before any romantic feeling can develop,” cool kid Eric Stevens told The...

Neema Smith, a senior on campus, has found herself cordially invited to the University’s ‘Graduates of Color’ celebration. The ceremony calls to bring together students of color in order to celebrate their diverse paths to graduation. Except Smith isn’t a student of color. Actually, Neema’s parents are both from the Midwest. The origin of her name dates back to her parents’ gap years spent volunteering in Southern Africa. How did such a thing happen? How exactly did the University categorize her as a “Graduate of Color”? The confusion may have...