Most students who visit here, the author included, are taken aback by the great effort that goes into the upkeep of the grounds here at Puget Sound.
Indeed, even now after being here a few years, I still find myself marveling at our lush fields of evenly cut grass and perfectly manicured pines.
Unfortunately for our grounds keepers and the school treasury, this was not the case with one Johan Dietrich, a prospective student who toured campus earlier this week.
Johan Dietrich, a prospective student from Middledale High School in the greater Denver area, was not one of the multitudes wowed by our immaculate and borderline OCD grounds keeping.
Dietrich was visibly angered and taken aback by the freshly pruned tulips and quaffed hedges.
“Look at this perversion of nature!” he was heard saying to his fellow tour-mates. “This isn’t real, it’s all a bastardization of Mother Nature’s bounty!”
As the parents and other prospective students of the 2:00 tour ‘round the U of PS began to subtly increase the space between themselves and Dietrich, sources report that he knelt down to the grass, half crying, half yelling, “Why did they do this to you?! Why do they mutilate such perfect grass!” turning to anyone who was looking he continued, “Are you all happy? You are all standing by while these beautiful proud specimens are CUT DOWN in their PRIME!” he paused, then exclaimed, “I won’t conform and stand idly by while you submit these gentle creatures to your pre-conceived notions of natural beauty. YOU FASCIST PIGS!”
He then stopped for a moment and stared into the middle distance as a single tear rolled down his cheek.
The tour guide, unsure of what to do at this point looked to Dietrich’s mother, who blankly smiled, and asked her a question about dorm laundry policies.
As the tour guide timidly answered the query for the mother and the bewildered group of prospective students and parents, Dietrich let out a high pitched scream, ran full speed onto Todd Field, intercepted a Frisbee mid-flight, and ran off in the direction of the Arboretum, continuing the scream throughout.
His mother, who seemed not to acknowledge the behavior of her son up to this point, thanked the tour guide for her tour, and began walking in the direction Dietrich had fled.
The tour continued in awkward silence, interrupted only by nervous questions about university life, that is until the tour arrived in front of the Student Union Building.
When approaching the outdoor seating area, everyone in the tour silently noticed Mrs. Dietrich sitting at one of the outdoor tables, sipping a glass of coffee.
Directly behind her, one quarter of the way up the giant Sequoia, was Dietrich, with his newly acquired Frisbee, seated on a branch that bent slightly under his weight.
Sources report that a small crowd had formed at the base of the tree, as Dietrich spouted randomly from atop his arbor soapbox.
Finally, after repeated appeals from Campus Security to control her son, Mrs. Dietrich turned her chair around. One source recounted the following exchange.
“Johan honey, come down please, these nice men want you to be safe.”
Dietich replied, “NO MOM. I’m not caving into their FASCIST STALINISTIC DEMANDS!”
“I have a fresh Mars Bar in my bag if you come down!”
“Mars Bar! Sweet!”
Dietrich tumbled down from the sequoia and landed with a small thud on the ground, after a moment launching himself up towards the waiting candy. The two then began walking in the direction of Alder, and have not since returned to campus.
The Wombat Zone has inquired of the administration for more information about the Dietrich’s, but has been refused on grounds of confidentiality.