Combat Zone

Anime fanboy’s nosebleeds uncontrollable

Henry Bishonen, once a super cute freshman by all accounts, has been acting rather strangely of late. Whenever a girl smiles or waves at him during class, he lets out an exasperated gasp as his nose unleashes an epic stream of blood. Then he runs out of the room screaming what sounds like, “Hazukashii!!!”

The word, meaning “shame or embarrassment” in Japanese, really should not be part of his vocabulary, considering the fact that he’d never spoken a lick of Japanese in his life prior to this last week.

He actually did have a sophomore girlfriend for awhile (she chose to remain anonymous) but when he started calling her “senpai,” she bailed.

Bishonen’s roommate, Alex Minikui, told us smugly about Bishonen’s late night activities. “Ever since I got him into watching anime on, he’s just been obsessed… Every time I come back to the room he’s sitting on his bed cross-legged, slurping ramen with chopsticks and watching FLCL on repeat. That entire show is literally just about sex; no wonder he can’t control his nosebleeds anymore.”

And he only seems to be getting worse.

Yesterday Bishonen was spotted walking around campus with a faux tail and one of those stupid animal hats that has earflaps you can use as gloves.

He’s also gotten really into chibi art and wearing all black—he doesn’t want to stain his clothes from getting nosebleeds.

It’s gotten to the point where he can’t even go to parties not just because he’s awkward but because he’s so afraid of seeing a girl and getting another nosebleed.

At long last, he decided to meet with us for an interview before he left to go study, i.e. watch more FLCL: “I can’t help but feel very sabishii. My girlfriend…I mean, ex-girlfriend was so yasashikute utsukushii that I just didn’t expect her to be so hidoi. Maybe I’ll just drop out and become yumeijin. Eijanaika right?”

After that nearly incomprehensible monologue, we decided that it was best not to encourage his eccentricities and cut off the interview right then and there.

But suddenly, a busty intern in a tube top walked in through the office door and promptly, blood came gushing out of his nostrils.

“GOMENNNN!!!” he wailed as he sprinted out into the bathroom where he sat crying for at least an hour.

Pamela Manderson, who was actually a transvestite, asked us if he needed help to which we replied, “No you’ll probably just make him more confused…if that’s even possible.”