Combat Zone

So there I was...a tipsy parental unit to the left of me, an unclean, French-toast uniformed line of boy-creatures to the right of me, a one Mr. Jamin G. Queue (he would have none of the new, first-name-basis poppycock) teaching Cotillion around me and a bet lost to another writer from The Flail at the forefront of my thoughts, reminding me that I had no choice but to stay here and make the best of what was looking to be the interview from hell. As a “graduate” of the program,...

Not Another F***ing Vampire Book—is the title of a college-oriented fantasy novel, written for the next generation of young adults. Or, you know, people who still live with their parents but occasionally try their hand at adulting. It is the story of a young man somewhere between the ages of still-has-marketable-sex-appeal and broke-degreed-and-stupid who one day wakes up with the ability to suck the ink out of books. He also thinks he’s a philosophy major, so he asks his professors whether or not books are still books if they lack...

This week’s Philosophy Conference is already well under way by the time you’re reading this, and it’s very likely you’re not there. The reason you’re probably not there is simple statistics: Only about 20 people will show up for the two-day event, which features a wide variety of papers written by guest undergraduate students, as well as notable Keynote Speaker Noel Carroll, who will be giving a presentation on humor and morality. In a school of roughly 2,600 undergraduate students, that’s approximately 0.7 percent of the student body, or one...

The Trail has become aware, through the release of declassified documents and one well-timed blowjob, of an initiative that the University has been undertaking for well over a decade. Titled “Project Anaphylaxis,” the initiative seeks to recruit as many allergy-ridden students to the University as possible. It seems that Puget Sound administrators sought to bring together allergy sufferers of all denominations, from real allergies like peanut and pollen to homeopathic “allergies” to pineapple and other stupid things. Senior Stefan Oretega was not surprised. “I knew like two people with allergies...

Phillip Zimbardo has been secured as the commencement speaker for the class of 2013. In order to get Zimbardo to agree to lower his usually incredibly high fee, the University made an agreement to allow Zimbardo to kill two birds with one stone. The Puget Sound graduation of 2013 will go down in psychology history as one of Zimbardo’s modern experiments designed to reveal the truth of human nature. Famous for the Stanford Prison Experiment, it is unclear what exactly Zimbardo plans on doing with the Class of 2013. However...

In a heartbreaking scandal that has rocked and shocked the student body at the University of Puget Sound, investigators have uncovered an immense conspiracy that may go all the way up to President Tomald Rhombus himself. Security officials have been charged in a citizen’s write-up, accused of conspiracy, a string of thefts, tampering with evidence and maybe even treason. Apparently, what began as a sting operation to break up a local gang of bike thieves went way too far, ending in campus security taking illegal and, frankly, stupid actions to...

In response to the recent defeat of an armed attacker near campus, vigilante justice has begun to rapidly take over the Puget Sound community. After years of complaining about security services’ incredibly late notifications, students have decided to take matters into their own hands. Security services has seen a massive reduction in the number of calls received a night, leaving them free to let locked-out freshmen back into their rooms. No longer afraid of any kind of violence on the Tacoma streets, students are expanding their adventures all over Tacoma,...

The United Nations yesterday issued an “extremely polite favor request” to North Korea, calling for them to “please stop being so mean, if that’s OK.” The rebuke is the harshest yet from U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, who said that his organization was prepared to “kill them with kindness” if the need arises. “Look, we’re pretty worthless,” Ki-moon confirmed, “so it became clear that instead of being all harsh and demanding, which never worked, we may as well try something else.” Long mocked for its inability to enforce its decrees,...

President Barack Obama’s publicity coordinator quit this week in a fit of rage, incensed that his ideas were not being put to use. Spiro Quayle, longtime publicist to the stars, joined the Obama team only a few weeks ago; the relationship didn’t last long. “I get there, and I’m like, ‘time to amp this up, guys.’ They were so stuck on safe, boring crap like showing the President playing basketball,” Quayle told The Trail. “Where’s the pizazz? I told them we needed to leak some shots of his dong, spice...