Combat Zone

During this past weekend, Puget Sound security services faced perhaps their biggest internal crisis to date. At approximately 11 p.m. on Friday, Sept. 14, University of Washington: Tacoma security forces were contacted by University of Puget Sound Security because of extreme “paranormal activity” reported around campus. Shortly after being called, UWT security arrived on the scene to find four Puget Sound campus security officers huddled, shivering in the front seat of a white security truck.  After making it clear that the rescuing officers were not, in fact, ghosts, even going...

My name is Yewfrond Goldberg and I am the leader of an environmental action group known as Transfer Students for a Sustainable Earth, or TSSE. It has come to my attention that our recent action against the University has gone unnoticed. We of TSSE share a commitment to a back-to-basics lifestyle and the preservation of Mother Earth. Based in the canopy of the Arboretum, we live and work amongst the trees, descending only to feed, excrete and fornicate. Our organization was recently alerted to the wholesale destruction of the environment...

NASA scientists were stunned to discover that Curiosity, the new rover recently landed on Mars, made contact of a kind they never could have expected. “It was pretty much a typical post-landing rager,” Bill Ingall, one of the Curiosity team leaders, said. “A few guys doing blow off a hooker’s stomach rolls, that kind of thing, you know basic NASA stuff. I was showing this chick the landing footage again when I first saw it: a kind of black shape, right under the rover before it landed.” He called over...

On one shimmering, glorious summer night not long ago, this unworthy soul made the request of a lifetime, hoping against hope for an unlikely acquiescence. To my shock and ecstasy, I was informed that, indeed, Rodd Badman, Puget Sound’s Director of Security Services, would allow me to spend a day as his shadow. The following is the account of my time spent with Puget Sound’s Badman-est man. I was told to meet him at dawn, in the parking lot outside the Student Union Building. Heart aflutter, I made my way...

It has been made official: actor Clint Eastwood has accepted an invitation from President Ronald Thomas to address a panel of chairs right here at Puget Sound. Eastwood, 82, accepted the invitation after receiving numerous complaints from chairs all over the country concerning his speech at the Republican National Convention in Florida three weeks ago. The outraged chairs claimed that Eastwood treated the chair representative at the RNC unfairly, accusing Eastwood of slander, mud-slinging and consistent interruption of the chair when asked a question. Chairs around the country were shocked...

So here it comes. So close, finally, to the end of my freshman year. It’s been a hell of a ride: I didn’t really party, I got pretty good grades, and I think I touched a girl’s butt once without her even noticing. I’m beginning to gain some different perspectives. Wisdom, as they say, comes with experience. For the first time since I arrived at college, I feel comfortable hitting on freshman girls. It was weird at first. For the last two years, getting with freshmen has been a huge...

Students may feel pressured to complete papers well and quickly, and with the accessibility of new technology (the internet) students can plagiarize by copying and pasting information from other sources. This is easily detected by teachers for several reasons. First, students' choices of sources are frequently unoriginal; instructors may receive the same passage copied from a popular source from several students. Second, it is often easy to tell whether a student used his or her own "voice." Third, students may choose sources which are inappropriate, inaccurate or off-topic. Murray is...

Hey guys, it’s your favorite stoner, Pearl “Necklace” Knuckleson, wishing you a wickedly green 4/20, or as I like to call it, Stoner Ramadan. Ramadan. Ramamamamadan. Such a cool word. Where was I? Oh yeah, 4/20! Since the beginning of time, this holiday has been the source of much celebration. But you might be pondering: What should we, The United Stoners of Hash and Kief, be smoking in remembrance of? The answer, my legion of tokers, is limitless. Whoa, I think I just blew my own mind. Liberal arts, man....

S h o w e r   B r o w n COMING IN FALL 2012! What is ShowerBrown? Modeled after PrintGreen, the Library’s most successful program since Citrix Xen App, ShowerBrown is an exciting new way to manage shower time and save money for Trustee Galas promote sustainability on campus. How will ShowerBrown work? Each student will be allocated 400 “shower credits” of water per semester. A “shower” is defined as forty-five seconds of sixty-five degree water, so if you were to wet both ventral and dorsal regions of...