My name is Yewfrond Goldberg and I am the leader of an environmental action group known as Transfer Students for a Sustainable Earth, or TSSE. It has come to my attention that our recent action against the University has gone unnoticed.
We of TSSE share a commitment to a back-to-basics lifestyle and the preservation of Mother Earth. Based in the canopy of the Arboretum, we live and work amongst the trees, descending only to feed, excrete and fornicate. Our organization was recently alerted to the wholesale destruction of the environment caused by the printing of class materials by Puget Sound Students.
It has become very clear that most of the students here have already been brainwashed into the axe slinging tradition. The cheers of “hack, hack, chop, chop” make us sick. The school’s enthusiasm for chopping down defenseless trees, the true masters of this earth, is unrivaled. You have even named your new psychology building, Weyerhaeuser Hall, after a family and company that grew fat from the defilement of our woodlands and now ranks as the 63rd worst air polluter in the country. The line from Weyerhaeuser’s mills to the Collin’s Library printers is clear: the air reeks of cronyism. We saw the need for action, so we took it.
We are the ones who hacked into and shut down your beloved PrintGreen program, believing it would stop all printing capabilities.
However, to our horror, you Loggers drastically increased the amount of things printed the very same night. Upon further review, it became clear that the printing system was in fact to limit printer use. Hindsight is, as they say, 20/20.
However, this minor fluke does not mean we will be silenced. I am issuing a warning. TSSE means business, and if this University does not stop breeding tree-chopping barbarians we will strike again. And this time, you will take notice. Hide the Grizz, hide your plastic water bottles, because TSSE is not leaving Tacoma anytime soon.
Sincerely yours,
Yewfrond Goldberg
TSSE President, Treasurer and Member