Combat Zone

The following incidents occurred on campus and were reported to Security Services between Nov. 23 and Nov. 28 •Two members of Campus Security, responding to a call, approached a campus-owned house on 12th and Alder that was believed to be occupied by a group known as “The Underground Christians,” a heavily-armed fundamentalist group that believed the apocalypse was imminent, following the relase of Adam Sandler’s latest romantic comedy.  Upon entering the house, the security guards discovered the bodies of all 57 members of the cult, victims of a mass suicide....

Throwing tradition to the wind, the producers of Ubiquitous They Sketch have reformatted their entire show, and the result is nothing short of brilliant. The experimental show, titled Ubiquitous They Presents: Poopy Pidgins  SHOW CANCELED was directed by no one, starred nobody, and was produced by Student Theater Productions. The intense comedic action, in many ways a tribute to Andy Kaufman’s anti-comedy acts and Samuel Beckett’s Theatre of the Absurd, played out entirely in the mind of the audience, which very surprisingly consisted solely of myself. One would have thought...

With the recent controversy and horror surrounding the child abuse at the hands of former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky and the alleged subsequent cover-up by Penn State officials still in the headlines, there is a fresh new terror that has Penn State students rioting in the streets: ASUPS has cut the Ski Team’s budget for the forthcoming winter season. “It’s completely stupid and irresponsible how their student government could do something so terrible to that school. This is just a natural response,” junior Jacob Marshall said, amidst downed light posts...

Dear Love Attorney, My husband and I are having some trouble with our sex talk. We’ve tried everything: robot voices, other languages, strings of four letter words interjected with ‘my’ and ‘your’. It all falls flat. The sex is fine, but smut talk just really turns me on. Can you recommend a remedy for our boring old dirty talk? From, Sick of Clean Talk   Dear Clean Talk, In my Viennese law school days, my reading group and I would celebrate the Roman god Bacchus every week by stripping down...

To put it simply, there is no better place in the entire world than the outdoors. In recognition of those amazing places, here’s my personal list of things I love about the outdoors. First off, when you adventure into the great wilderness with a group of friends, you begin to feel closer to society and civilization in general. This is especially true when you come across a gentle yet incredible waterfall or a sweeping view of a mountain valley and you feel the overwhelming sensation to tweet a picture. This...

We PSO leaders follow one unbreakable rule: Leave no trace. This rule is easy for us to follow, but so much of the world is uneducated in such matters. Ask yourself, “How many times have I been stuck in the outdoors and not known exactly how to clean up after myself?” Did you say, “So many?”  It’s a common problem, I know. But don’t worry, if you follow the steps that I lay out in this article, you’ll be able to see that leaving no trace in the wild is...

Dear Puget Sound Community, Last week, the Combat Zone ran a satirical announcement about a bear-trapping trip from Puget Sound Outdoors (PSO), the school’s outdoor adventure organization. This week, I’ve received over 80 letters, texts, emails, tweets and HEY YOUs alerting me to the fact that the article was offensive and that I should go straight to Hell (which is about three miles south of Greeley, Colo.). In addition to complaints about the tone of the article—which implied that the school’s outdoorsy students are nothing more than passive-aggressive faux-hippies who...

Puget Sound Outdoors would like to welcome any student who passionately loves bears to attend an informational meeting on Wednesday, Nov. 16, at 8 p.m. to arrange a bear trapping trip in the North Cascades. The trip will last through the following weekend, and we hope to capture both black and grizzly bears. Trip leader Serenity Blume has related that she intends to capture the bears with trapping systems involving granola, hemp and a Northface tent. Serenity encourages students to not be afraid. She has personally lived with bears for...

In a move sure to upset NATO leaders, Libya’s transitional congress has turned its back on Western-style democracy and placed government power in the hands of another dictator. A statement made by Mohamed Mohamed, spokesmen for the National Transitional Council, outlined Libya’s new direction. “We will never forget the atrocities committed against the Libyan people under the oppressive regime of Muammar Qaddafi,” Mohamed said. “However, an insane dictatorship is an intrinsic part of Libyan cultural heritage,” continued Mohamed, “and we refuse to turn our backs on our past and placate...