Combat Zone

Couple who had sex last night really flaunting it in the S.U.B.

Photo courtesy of Pixabay

Several eyewitness reports confirm that on Sunday, March 24, two people who had sex the previous night were really flaunting it in the S.U.B.

“It was loud. LOUD,” sophomore Maximillian Neuropnill said. “I couldn’t look away. I felt like they were … yelling. Is that weird? They were kind of flexing their heterosexuality. It was very heterosexual. Very heterosexual.”

Other witnesses concurred that the behavior displayed was, in fact, highly heterosexual.

“That was straight as hell,” senior Looper Mac said.

Many observers noted the way the woman, who was clearly wearing the man’s sweater, seemed to shelter in his shadow.

“Their body language made me think that she was ill, or injured, or … some kind of … fragile bird? It was clear that he was caring for her and protecting her from the dangers of the S.U.B.,” eyewitness S.U.B. employee Troyve Gimnim said.

First-year Hank Brennoditz also described a sheltering behavior.

“The planes of the front of his body always formed an obtuse angle. She always occupied that angle. Ask me to describe anything in geometrical terms, and I will. If I’m not too busy,” Brennoditz said.

When I inquired if any witnesses had overheard their conversation, all witnesses reported that the couple was not talking.

“Oh, they didn’t say a word,” Neuropnill said. “She just buried her tiny face in his huge chest while he cradled her head.”

While human speech was never used, several people did notice some nonverbal vocalizations.

“She was whimpering, he was crooning,” junior Elizabeth Winnigrin said. “It was truly repulsive and painful for my eyes and ears. At one point, they became separated by the throng, and the woman was isolated. She immediately collapsed and began wailing, like a young animal, calling for its mother to bring food to the den. Hearing her cry, the man returned. The two Juuled in the S.U.B. and then seemed to be okay.”

S.U.B. worker Vilkner Vauss said this was not an unusual event.

“Happens every Sunday,” Vauss said.