Combat Zone

Collins Memorial Library has been notorious for technological issues: printers constantly fail, all computers mysteriously reboot at 10 p.m. every night, and so on. It seems as if there is always one thing screwy with the technology. But last week, it was discovered that all the technological failures were caused by a computer programmer with severe dyslexia who constantly entered code incorrectly. Brenda Flarfstein, a 33 year-old systems programmer for Technology Services, admitted to suffering from “Ohwano” dyslexia—a form of the learning disability dyslexia where the person writes and types...

Libra:  Sep 23 - Oct 22 Try something new in the bedroom this week. Perhaps a Johnny Depp poster. Scorpio:  Oct 23 - Nov 21 Be aware of your enemies’ weaknesses. Pour milk into the vents of your ex’s lactose intolerant Honda, then watch as it plagues him with engine trouble and belches exhaust. Sagittarius:  Nov 22 - Dec 21 Let go of your conscience. Remember, you’ll never be popular until you can make fun of others. Capricorn:  Dec 22 - Jan 19 Your stars say that now is the...

After Senate Republicans on Tuesday blocked the legislation that would have repealed the “don’t ask, don’t tell” law in the military, Democrats are now scrambling to introduce a new bill which they hope will be met with greater success. “The idea of lifting the gay ban was unpopular with the GOP,” senate majority leader Harry Reid, D-Nev., said, “but that’s only because it would allow gays to openly join the military armed forces. What we are proposing now is that we repeal the ban, but take all gays and put...