Combat Zone

Homework laid off in “mental recession”

As midterm season looms heavily over Puget Sound’s collective psyche, more and more assignments are being laid off due to internal conflicts with workload management.

“Oftentimes, I simply can’t afford to complete all of my assignments by their deadline,” one workload manager, a Biochemistry major who is minoring in Classics, says. “Increasingly I am forced to let some of them go, for Sanity’s sake.”

Sanity, Inc. is notorious for its frequent assignment layoffs, along with Sleep & Co. and ProcrastiNation®.  Foregone assignments have expressed distress over their quality of life and indignation over their loss of standing in the academic system, as redundancy reaches an all-time peak.

“I’ve been cast under the bed,” one despondent Film Reflection, who, like many other assignments, was discharged during midterm season, says. “I’m alone, crumpled, disgraced. This is my life now, and you know those five-page analyses are all bundled up and warm in a glossy folder while I lay forgotten, collecting dust and muffin crumbs with none for company but skeezy old socks.”

Film reflections are not the only assignments frustrated with their current status, and most are calling for equal percentage representation within the grading system – the lack of which is perceived as highly prejudiced within the homework community. According to some workload managers, the effects of layoffs could signify more than just the unavoidable stress of a mental recession. As the so-called “priority gap” increases, many experts are speculating the outbreak of a revolutionary “class war,” which could result in every student discarding the academic system and all of the major mental corporations coming together into one communal, utopian state of being.

Despite the gravity of the situation at hand, such corporations are resiliently pushing a positive outlook on the current state of the collective student mindset in a campaign sponsored by Optimism, LTD, whose general mission is to promote hopefulness and reduce stress throughout the world.

“We hope to express our deepest condolences to those assignments, and the courses they represent, that have been profoundly affected by midterm season,” the spokesperson for Sanity, Inc. said at an emergency conference held yesterday, with representatives of Sleep & Co. and ProcrastiNation® at its side. “We assure you that all layoffs were extremely unpleasant measures taken only in the very best interests of the company and of our workload managers. In time, assignments of all sorts will again receive equal acknowledgement within the academic system, and, come finals, many forsaken assignments will also gain proper recognition.”