Combat Zone

Ford’s love corner

I don’t care what they think they saw. I only know what I lived. I could feel their stares. How achingly they tried to cover their jealousy with disapproval. All they saw was a couple making out on the dance floor—the first couple to make out on the dance floor. I suppose we can’t really blame them, much like you can’t blame someone who has never let themselves learn to love coffee. All they taste is the bitterness, and all they feel is the social pressure to drink. As a...
Combat Zone

The romantic misadventures of Ford Dent

Hey you. Remember me? Remember Saturday night? There you were. There I was. There we were. Three years of muted romantic tension built to a head.  I didn’t know you and my housemate were so close. Clearly not that close—he plays for the other team. But close enough to find the two of you tangled amongst the many bikes our house has amassed. Your lips were stained burgundy with cheap wine. I wanted to taste those lips, to know the exact vineyard in Australia that had so delicately warped your...
Combat Zone

Looking into UPS (or PSU or CPS) of yore

As the University of Puget Sound celebrates its 125th year, we here at The Trail have this opportunity to look over the history of University of Puget Sound (or The Puget Sound University as it was known from 1890 to 1903, the College of Puget Sound as it was known from 1914 to 1960, the Make-Believe-Harvard-of-the-West-When-Stanford-Isn’t-Looking University as it will be know from 2014 to 2025 and the University of Phoenix Online, Tacoma Annex, as it will be known from 2025, until the return of Galactic Overlord Xenu in 2134)....
Combat Zone

Thanksgiving Alone

This week we are running a feature article on Willy Bleck-Riggleson, a poor boy who, like many Puget Sound students, didn’t leave Tacoma this Thanksgiving weekend, having made no plans to celebrate. He didn’t arrive welcome and loved to a warm, loving family, around a warm, delicious turkey dinner in front of a crackling, loving fire. Instead, Willy stayed on campus, cold and alone, fending for himself amidst the tempestuously cold, lonely winds of Tacoma. Having already visited his parents in Eugene, Ore. over fall break, Willy thought he might...
Combat Zone

TacoMan: The hero we deserve?

A new hero has been patrolling the mean street of Tacoma, dealing out his own brand of justice, foiling a recent string of Taco Bell robberies. “Don’t know what to do about it,” Chief of Police O’Hanigan McFlattery Sullivan said. “First of all, it’s pretty bizzare someone would make a point of only robbing Taco Bells since they all have time lock safes. Even if you were successful you’d only make it out with $40.” “And secondly,” Sullivan continued, “why would a vigilante focus only on protecting Taco Bells? Do...
Combat Zone

Ex-dictator to speak at school: it’s ok, it’ll get better

Deposed Tunisian dictator Mahmahbod Abudablahblah is coming to Puget Sound and will be speaking in Schneebeck Concert Hall this coming Wednesday at 7 p.m. Abudablahblah is best remembered as the leader of the first regime to be deposed by the Arab Spring, setting off a chain of revolutions that continue in the region today. The Abudablahblah regime was responsible for the death of hundreds of political dissidents and members of rival tribes. Yet the former dictator’s message to the campus is one of hope. In an exclusive interview with The...
Combat Zone

Shower Brown: Coming Fall 2012!

S h o w e r   B r o w n COMING IN FALL 2012! What is ShowerBrown? Modeled after PrintGreen, the Library’s most successful program since Citrix Xen App, ShowerBrown is an exciting new way to manage shower time and save money for Trustee Galas promote sustainability on campus. How will ShowerBrown work? Each student will be allocated 400 “shower credits” of water per semester. A “shower” is defined as forty-five seconds of sixty-five degree water, so if you were to wet both ventral and dorsal regions of...
Combat Zone

Underage Canadians streaming into U.S., drinking illegally

A new, youthful Canadian phenomenon is taking Puget Sound by storm, and it’s not Justin Bieber. The University has recently become a primo destination in the new Canadian student itinerary that has become the most popular spring break activity across Western Canadian colleges. Known as “alco-tourism,” the trend was spawned by the lower drinking ages in Canada. Canadian students, bored with drinking’s legality, cross the U.S. borders in droves. They come to drink furtively in friends’ parents’ houses and dorm rooms, which are often supplied by upperclassmen that are unable...
Combat Zone

Presidential hopeful starts luchador craze

Junior Rane Berisnt’s campaign for ASUPS president was floundering. A child of the isolated Luxembourgian aristocracy, he found it difficult to connect with his constituents in the Puget Sound student body. Though raised and schooled with the specific purpose of infiltrating an American liberal arts college in order to enhance Luxembourgian understanding of the American mindset, none of Rane’s ideas seemed to resonate with students. Then, Rane attended the Lucha Libre. Inspired by the awkward pacing, tinny music and harsh gym lighting, Rane decided to revamp his entire campaign. “Within...
Combat Zone

Sample poetry from new zine ‘Drylands’

A new anthology of student-created works celebrating a more traditional view of human sexuality is coming to Puget Sound. The founders felt that since the good students of Puget Sound cannot stop worshiping their sexual organs and their use in every possible form of media, a little balance was required:   “And ye shall feel me wriggling up inside yourselves, for I am the joyous eel of light and glory.”—Steve 7:12  ...
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