This week’s Philosophy Conference is already well under way by the time you’re reading this, and it’s very likely you’re not there. The reason you’re probably not there is simple statistics: Only about 20 people will show up for the two-day event, which features a wide variety of papers written by guest undergraduate students, as well as notable Keynote Speaker Noel Carroll, who will be giving a presentation on humor and morality. In a school of roughly 2,600 undergraduate students, that’s approximately 0.7 percent of the student body, or one...

In a heartbreaking scandal that has rocked and shocked the student body at the University of Puget Sound, investigators have uncovered an immense conspiracy that may go all the way up to President Tomald Rhombus himself. Security officials have been charged in a citizen’s write-up, accused of conspiracy, a string of thefts, tampering with evidence and maybe even treason. Apparently, what began as a sting operation to break up a local gang of bike thieves went way too far, ending in campus security taking illegal and, frankly, stupid actions to...

Following the success of Dutch entrepreneur Bas Lansdorp, who has attempted to fund a permanent colony on Mars by turning the whole process into a reality television show, the University of Puget Sound’s science departments have turned their whole teaching philosophy upside down. Lansdorp, who began his ascent to fame by selling shares in his wind-harnessing energy company, will raise six billion euros by following the “contestants”-turned-colonists through their training and eventual mission launch. His Facebook page has already attained 8,000 likes and the initial YouTube video advertising his plan...

Junior Nyan Fosling was expelled from the University of Puget Sound earlier this week after a lengthy investigation involving serious allegations of plagiarism, academic dishonesty and intellectual property theft. Reports began as early as six months ago, when a professor anonymously communicated with officials that one of their students was showing strange, clichéd behavior, without explaining to anyone what he was doing. After a long process of comparing and analyzing these behavioral patterns with notable published works, authorities officially charged Fosling with emulating several well-known characters, shaping his own life...

The University of Puget Sound administration has gone to great lengths this last year to update our national image as a prestigious Liberal Arts academy of learning and multicultural awareness. Already, the elimination of that handicapped-accessible ramp behind McIntyre, the proposal to drop the “University of” from our name, and the use of silver iodine to disrupt cloud formations have been prime examples of Puget Sound’s commitment to be taken more seriously by the academic community. However, one large obstacle still needs to be overcome. The University has begun looking...

Officers within the University of Puget Sound’s security team informed the press today of an impending, full-scale sting operation culminating in a fully armed raid already in progress on the shadowy, mysterious corners of the second floor of Marshall Hall. “We’re up against smart, hardened criminals,” one sergeant, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of retribution against his family, said. “However, we’re confident that after months of tracing their movements, we can finally end what is certainly the most notorious criminal syndicate ever to occur on the second floor...

For years, experts have warned that video games have a detrimental impact on interpersonal relations. Every study has consistently shown that the earlier children begin playing video games, the fewer sports or after-school activities they will engage in, the fewer close friendships they will form and the more likely their conception of an external reality will suffer. Even scarier, with the rise of such in-depth story lines and open world exploration made available by games like Skyrim, we have seen an increase in total hours spent immersed in this alternate...

The Combat Zone, following this election like an anteater on an ant colony, has officially endorsed Jacob Mahoney as the governor of Washington! I know it's late in the game to be announcing this kind of thing, but frankly, we just found out about this dude like a week ago. He's pretty under the radar, something we appreciate in a candidate. How annoying do all those signs get, you know? Just like, Darnielle, Darnielle, Darnielle, Darnielle. All in a row. Does that mean you like that candidate four times as...

PrintGreen is back! The new program from Sustainability Services, which was temporarily disabled in the beginning of the semester, is officially up and running, meaning students are going to have to become much more conscious about the amount of paper they’re using. This has been a controversial program, with admirers and admonishers alike. Many students, primarily the history majors, have complained the “average” student uses far less paper than they need, insisting that they’re being discriminated against. This is just the first of many new changes. The brilliance to this...

Just last week, Elizabeth Queens, 18, a freshman at Puget Sound, made a shocking discovery. Distraught after her fifth break up since registering for classes, she was walking despondently to 7/11 for a cherry slushie, when something amazing happened. “I looked up and realized I had been staring at my shoes, counting the tears splashing on my laces, and had walked right across Sixth! I panicked! All the signs had strange, s-shaped symbols on them, and all the streets took crazy swerves in all kinds of directions. The craziest part...

Seated in towers of inscrutable power, the RAs of the University of  Puget Sound seem above all authority, almost transcending the political discourse of the Puget Sound campus. These so-called “resident advisors” have, for some time, been an elusive organization, independent from Security Services, even the police. They report to no one and nothing but their own grossly exaggerated sense of justice. Yet they are tolerated by the administration, even publicly admired by many students. The controversy surrounding their hazy beginnings has divided the student body. “I think they’re heroes!”...