Combat Zone

Combat Zone

New Teen Television Show in Search for Adults to Play Highschoolers

T he network is looking for seven teenagers to act in the thrilling new drama. “Ideally we hope to find seven highly overdeveloped 16 year-olds to star as sophomores experiencing high levels of drama,” casting director Bob Hanson told The Flail in a recent interview. “They need to look like 25 year-olds, but we’ll say they’re 16 because that’s believable. Plus we can run the series through their college careers.” The show is truly looking to be unlike any other teenage drama, with real topics such as puberty, girls discovering...
Combat Zone

Student Complaining About Wi-Fi Wipes Tears Away With Tissues Made of Privilege

Following a particularly tough week of having to actually do some homework and studying with minimal access to Wi-Fi, student Whit was on the point of breaking down from the stress. Sources say he was forced to get his stash of tissues that his mom had sent him. These tissues are a rare brand known as Privilege Tissues™ that are actually made from the suffering of people who have what the brand calls “actual problems.” Research has shown that the company primarily appeals to the average college student in the...
Combat Zone

Finally, ‘senator at large’ title MIGHT CHANGE to ‘senator at indIscernible size’

Students recently elected new ASUPS senators for the 2015-2016 academic year. Despite reporting satisfaction with the actual people elected, one campus group was dismayed by the newly elected Senators at Large. That is, they were dismayed by the term ‘Senators at Large.’ Campus social justice group SADBOYS (Students Against Derogatory Bodies Of Young Senators) issued a statement on their Facebook page last Wednesday. “While we stand behind newly elected senators from a leadership standpoint, we find it very difficult to support this title. The title, ‘Senator at Large,’ is disturbing—nay,...
Combat Zone

Presidential Candidate Ted Cruz Finally Ready to Tell the Truth… Maybe

Last week, Republican senator Ted Cruz of Texas became the first politician to announce his campaign for the 2016 Presidential election. Since the announcement, which Cruz delivered at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Va., the senator has faced countless accusations of lying and making false statements, particularly because of the ad he released, which is entitled “Time for Truth.” Plainstream media outlets like Politifact.com claim that certain things the Senator has said have been completely wrong. “Here, we have Thanksgiving, we have Christmas, we have the 4th of July. Every year...
Combat Zone

Student Extremely Relieved Student Government Elections Not A Total Disaster

Heaving a sigh of relief, a local student was thrilled to express that they and the rest of the campus were all still here in one piece. There had been a growing fear that things were not looking good following recent accusations of corruption. “I really felt things turned out remarkably well considering how treacherous of a path we seemed to be on. I was afraid I was going to have to actually start paying attention to ASUPS but now that the elections are over I can go back to...
Combat Zone

Grizz Suffers Identity Crisis After Years of Destroying Own Habitat

Last Tuesday, Grizz the Logger left the women’s basketball game midway through the third quarter despite the shock and dizzying confusion of the crowd. Calls rang out from the bleachers as the normally humble bear-man threw down his hatchet and walked, head down, through the exit, and with broken hearts and broken spirits, the faithful Loggers continued to tearfully watch the game—without their beloved mascot. No one has seen the furry Logger since his mysterious disappearance. Attempts to contact the hybrid creature have been met only with disappointment and mystery,...
Combat Zone

March Madness Gives Students the Delightful Opportunity to Pay More

Students are rejoicing across the nation now that they can finally give more money to the institutions that are so desperately in need of money: colleges. Yes, colleges that are just barely able to scrape by are getting the help they need. Do you realize how hard it is to count all the money they make already from students? It’s very hard. It’s clearly harder than playing a full-length basketball game. And yet all these college athletes do is whine and complain. It has been reported that these people are...
Combat Zone

Fun Ways to Get Over the Other Kind of March Madness

March madness: (n.) tournament of 65 college basketball teams, with the last team left being the National College Athletic Association Division I Champion; (n.) a period of depression and insanity caused by the unwavering cold and darkness between deep winter and spring; seasonal affective disorder. It’s that time of year where it’s cold and dark and we start to resent our friends who live in Los Angeles. We quit smoking cigarettes because it’s too cold to smoke outside. We stay in and watch movies on Netflix. Some people call this...
1 5 6 7 8 9 34
Page 7 of 34