Haggis Horticulture: A Combat Zone Holiday Non Sequitur
We at The Flail are getting all Christmassy up in this s***hole, but by unanimous decision we have decided that we need more DA WURST TA TREE in our holidays because, let’s face it folks, Christmas sucks.
The people whose doors you banged on throughout Halloween night won’t look at you twice; nobody is feeling even the slightest bit generous (although they will give you the right to get the f*** out the way); and the only reason you have the obligatory large family dinner is to renew the unspoken contract that you won’t assassinate another family member until the next fambamshamily event.
Except for Truffles, Aunt Eunice’s little shit of a dog. First person to football that little f***er gets two fingers of scotch in their eggnog. (P.S. If you’re the family member who brings those dogs to dinners, go kick yourself).
So how we gonna diversify? diversion syfy? verizon stir fry? horizon sty eye? HORTICULTURE STIR FRY. $5 FAMILY STYLE, ALL YOU CAN EAT.
No, forreals; let’s get serious. Let’s start with [white people] Christmas music.
Who the hell decided that that was what anyone ever wanted to hear? OK, so you sing “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” once when you’re five and you should be done, right?
All the other religions and cultures are laughing at you and eating all the good food or not eating at all and they’re wondering why anyone expends that much emotional effort on what amounts to a couple of fireside farts, noxious amounts of nostalgia that you didn’t ask for but are obliged to participate in, and a stomach full of regrets.
So let’s stir-fry the holidays, people, and do something different.
For example, our newly revamped, post-modern carol has all your favorite characters: Dasher is a coke addict; Dancer is a star on a reality TV series; Prancer is a fabulous drag queen who also moonlights as a librarian; Vixen used to be that one girl in high school and now she lives vicariously through her daughter’s cheerleading career; Comet is a physicist and no one really knows which dimension he belongs to; Cupid is a Hallmark greeting card writer (he switched from Valentine’s Day to Fourth of July because writing emotional crap all the time made him about ready to burst); Donner got eaten along with the rest of the Donner Party (holy crap, did you not pay attention in elementary school?); Blitzen is something politically incorrect that can’t be printed but he’s dead anyhow along with the northernmost tip of Greenland; and do you recall?
The most famous reindeer.
NO. WE DON’T. BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? NO ONE GIVES A RAT’S ASS ABOUT RUDOLPH.
HE’S A LOSER AND THE ONLY REASON HE GOT ON THE SLEIGH IS BECAUSE HE WASN’T HUNGOVER LIKE THE REST OF US WINNERS. ‘MURKA.
For those of you sparkly unicorn-faces feeling especially generous, you can always try to include the rarer expressions of goodwill in your holiday routine:
1. Calling from a landline.
2. Good conversation with someone you haven’t spoken to in years (These would be your high school friends. Good luck.).
3. Non-alcoholic activities (HAHAHAHAHA).
4. Gatherings that aren’t about or won’t culminate in food-in-facing.
5. Writing letters or cards that have nothing to do with the holidays.
7. Speeding on the highway.
8. Getting pulled over by the fuzz.
9. No officer I don’t know how fast I was driving.
10. No that was a joke. But the way you’re looking at me right now tells me I’m gonna get a ticket anyways.
11. Hey would u laik a donut?
12. It worked for Gabriel Iglesias.
14. Yis merry schmas 2 u 2 <3.
15. Haha. Sucker.
16. learning something new
You should do some of these and not others. (Especially if you don’t live in California. Sry no highway traffic roadrage funtimes 4 u!!!) Nostalgia is for those who keep their regrets close by. S*** out as much nostalgia as you can between now and New Year’s, because there’s really no difference between 2013 and 2014; it’s just an arbitrary distinction that dun got f***ed up, thank you for nothing, Gregorian calendar. Cue 80s outro music.